Thursday, April 30, 2009

The Secret Blog

Today is going to be a longer post, one that took a lot of thought to write and one of a serious (blogging) nature so everyone grab a glass of sweet tea (Jack Daniels) and settle in at Casa de Phat Mama.

I first started blogging months ago, on my Myspace page. Funny little stories, updates on how we were doing, etc. - mostly meant for friends and family in real life. And then a chat friend of mine, Nyx, gave me the URL to her blog here on Blogger.

An idea was born. Two seperate blogs! One for real life people and one for all the friends I've made while chatting over the years. This new blog would be the place I could let it all hang out, every bitchy, sexy, lewd, sassy and insecure bit of me, splashed across the blank page. A secret, private blog - ohh how delicious!

But over time, it became tiresome. Keeping up with two blogs, feeling like a split-personality, wondering why I had to hide certain aspects of myself with people in my real life. Wondering if my online friends actually knew me better than the people I surrounded myself with, did.

A blog is supposed to be our journal, a diary - our little corner of this infinite online world, where we can express anything we choose. Any thought, opinion, emotion, moment of our lives. With complete freedom from judgement and inhibition.

But what I've learned is:

Real life is the place where people who actually see me, can touch me(kick my ass) are at. They are the people that I may have to answer to. These are the people that because they are 'real life' - I have to edit myself with, verbally and textually, as their opinions can and possibly will affect my day to day life.

My children - Those two beloved spawn that could break my heart if they ever read something on my blog and looked at me with disappointment in their eyes.

My husband - Who I joke about, I may poke fun of, but always suffuse it with so much love because I couldn't bear to hurt him if I crossed some line, he read it and didn't know it was just a funny and he will always be my rockstar.

My parents - Who I never want to know that their daughter is a bit of a kinky freak. One that says the 'Fuck' word too often and with wayyy too much flava!

My siblings & In Laws - Who piss me off on an almost daily basis and I must rant here on my private blog, to get by each day without choking them or beating them down with the turkey leg at Thanksgiving.

My boss - That person who pays me and thus, I can only tell the truth about having a hangover from the glass of wine and calling out sick with the (entire F'n bottle) flu, here on my secret blog.

Just recently, my favorite blogger - Vodka Mom - shut down her blog for a few days. It was obvious that something had happened, something that had made her question herself. I wondered if it had to do with her blog and now, it seems so.

I read the comments on her last post, I read other people's blog posts at that time, crushed over her leaving. This woman has made such an impact with her blog that her leaving caused a sad ripple effect across the medium.

I wanted to reach out and say to her - Your blog is like you opening your front door and inviting all of us to share a cup of coffee (martini) with you each morning, when we click on it. It makes us smile, laugh, relate, feel not alone in the insanity of life, in short, it touches us. Please don't turn away, no matter what happened, we'll miss you.

But what if she had that happen - that moment where our personal blog becomes the issue. That something said here in our little corner of the world is turned sideways and judged. Taken out of context. Or just found.. wrong.

Each of us has to decide how much to share of ourselves and with whom. Sometimes, that decision is pretty damned difficult because it comes down to this: Is this -my- space to be free or not?

There is a saying by Marshall McLuhan - "Publication is a self-invasion of privacy."

That is so very true. Each time we click publish post, we have allowed others in. We hope they tread lightly. We hope they understand that.. We just want to have others laugh with us - we just want someone to relate - we just want to not feel alone in this vastness of space - we just want to have someone cheer us on - we just want to cheer them on in return - we don't want to hurt anyone, we just want to share our moments.


Girl Interrupted said...

What a great post! I know exactly what you mean. When I first started my blog I poured everything into it, it was totally personal and packed with emotion. Then one day I realised that I was laying out some pretty private stuff and ANYBODY could read it and judge me. And I didn't have a clue how I felt about that. I took a break, came back after a few months ... and deleted a whole bunch of posts. Now I stick to lighthearted stuff for the most part, although it's still personal. Maybe I shouldn't have to, but by putting stuff out there for anyone to read it's something that you have no choice but to take into consideration.

Sadly, we can't have the best of both worlds, the luxury and pleasure of unleashing our thoughts and having people share them with us without the risk and price of judgement. That's just the way it is.

So great to see you back :) *hugs*

Vodka Mom said...

LOVED this.

And, if i turn sideways, you can see how nice and SMALL my new ass is. It got THOROUGHLY chewed off.

I'm hoping it doesn't regenerate......

sAm said...

Well said, Phat Mama...well said.

Maelstrom said...


Paula said...

sAm said what I was thinking. You rock Mama! *hugs*

Shawn said...

It's still weird though. Because you 'do' kinda just want to have a funky space where you can just let things all hang out. Where it doesn't matter if you are funny or weepy or bitchy.

I've only hit a 100 posts and there are times that I think perhaps I should just hit the big delete button and walk away...but then again, there are days that I can turn a mediocre day into an awesome day just by having a great post and reading the comments that follow.

Such is blogging life I fear.

zelzee said...

You become vulnerable the minute you hit the publish button.
I try to be careful with what I write, because I do work with the public.
Yet, I don't share my true identity. So in a way I feel safe, but still not able to really "let it all hang out".

otherworldlyone said...

Dead on.

I occasionally worry about someone close to me finding and reading my blog. Even so...I don't think I could get rid of it or censor myself more than I already do (heh!).

Just reading an uplifting or funny comment that someone has left...makes my day better. I think that's worth spilling some guts and risking a lil' ass.

You're awesome, BTW.

Nyxmyst said...

Hey hon *hugs* i told you before.. not everyone can do what I do.

if you have family and work that will read your blog.... you can't. Thus why my family and work do not know that I blog. I leave it that way.

If you care what your family things then you have to self edit. It's just the way of the world. Theres no shame in it honey. *shrugs*

I dont have anyone that will freak on me. That helps. No kids. No husband. No in laws. No friends who don't know exactly who and what I am in graphic detail.

That kinda life doesn't work for everyone.

Prunella Jones said...

Here is your comment, my greedy little comment whore!

That was a great post! I know exactly what you mean.

honkeie2 said...

I do feel a bit of pride to be allowed to see this side of you. I love blogs that let it all out. As anyone can see by my blog I really dont bite my tongue or hide the fact I am a closet freak. Very few people I know really know me, it is a split personality I keep. Work has to be a place I am professional, my real life Office Space is my bread and butter. Not my bar/club. I have few 'real' friends because of so many reasons, one being most people are assholes and I wont deal with it. But the few I have are just as twisted as me and to offend them would require me screwing thier wife and not having the gawl to ask the to join in!
I love reading your blog, dont leave, I have had a few cool bloggers go down because of things like you have mentioned. Its a fine line between greatness and insanity....I can never tell the difference!

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