Saturday, January 30, 2010

A Kiss.

So, Cora tagged me for this “I Should Have Been A Stripper” award and now that I have it posted.. look over there on the right, hot huh?? (thanks, Diane, for telling me how to dooo ittt)

The rules are that I have to tell y'all seven personality traits I possess which have been evidenced on my blog. But, after looking over my blog, I could only think of two that pretty much sum it up.

1. I'm a redneck girl and this picture illustrates my lifelong dreams:

But without that Chuckie looking heathen in the cart. And maybe without the black eye. Because P. Mama would kick Big Daddy's ass up around his shoulders if he ruined the cute with a shiner.

2. I love my kids. And they love each other..

Okay, with that done, I wanted to say..

I was gone for months and truly wanted to come back to blogging but sadly, I just don't have the time to do it with any regularity. I never seem to be able to sit here and keep up with all of my fave bloggers.. and you know who you are, I have all of you listed on the right! Nor do I have time to write as I would like to.

It's come to this place that I think so many people have where I try to push too much into every day, multi-tasking like mad until I'm stressed, exhausted and feel like nothing is really as good as it could be because it only got a small portion of time and attention.

Thanks for all the great reads and so much laughter. I've enjoyed getting to know you in your blogs.

Take care, everyone! And here is me, blowing y'all a kiss goodbye..

Friday, January 29, 2010

Peeps Pole Dancing

Hey everyone!!

Dashing off a quick post here in between making dinner, bouncing the grandbaby, doing laundry and hula-hooping my ASS OFF on Wii!

How does one add an award to their page again? Please help! I have this awesome award from Cora of Peeps pole dancing and if that doesn't belong on this hillbilly blog, nothing does!


P. Mama

Monday, January 25, 2010

I Am A.. Granny.

Another event that happened while I was gone from blogging was becoming a Grandma. I don't really like that word though (I'm way too young? to be a Granny.. yes, I'm looking at -you-, my love) so when she starts to understand words, I'm going to teach her to call me - Nana.

Our son's ex-girlfriend who is as much a beloved daughter in law to me as she could be, was date raped early last year. It broke our hearts that it happened but none moreso than Colton's. They remain the best of friends, still love one another and honestly, I expect them to end up together in the long term.

So, when she came to us saying she was pregnant, it took us less than a second to know the baby would be our grandchild and for Colt to decide he would raise her as his daughter.

With that, here is the precious one, Miss Ava Lynn. (Flips open my wallet so the pictures roll down to the floor.)

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Big Daddy's Birthday

Hey, y'all!

We're going to begin right where I left off. Kinda.

My last post, months ago, was all about donuts of fat, chokin' down choco drink and my smokin' hot Doc feeling me up. (Look, in my fantasy, he was also tweaking the puppies noses so don't doubt, k?)

All of that is a part of the reason I've been gone so long and in a more serious post, I'll give the highlights and low points.

But for now, we're going to hear about Big Daddy's birthday because it is far too precious (hillbilly) to post-pone!

His birthday was a few days ago and being the blessed gift that I am as a wife, I waited until 4:00 p.m. on the day of to ask him what he'd like for his big (old) day.

While waiting for him to give the obvious answer, (sex), I thought of a few things I thought he could use:

1. An eye exam & glasses. Mayhap because the memory of holding onto the 'Dear Baby Jesus, I don't want to die' bar in the van & screaming, "You're driving in the ditch!!" was so fresh in my mind.

2. Just For Men hair dye in black. I'm fine with his salt & pepper look but I do get tired of hearing him waffle back and forth on whether or not to dye it. If it's good enough for George Clooney, it's good enough for you, Al Bundy.

3. A 'Hobbies for Elderly Dummies' book. Why? Because he doesn't fish or golf or toss empty kegs like a normal 42 year old. No, this is how he spends his time:

Yes, that's Big Daddy on the right. And he wants to cuss me for flipping the riding lawn mower?? He can kiss my big butt.

Finally, he decided what he wanted for his birthday. Sex. And to take pictures of me, naked. Color me surprised. And it took him five whole minutes to come up with that?? No. He just wanted to make it look like his pecker wasn't wearing the party hat.

P. Mama: (grunts) "Ookaayyy."

So, I take a bath, shave off two months of leg hair I've been covering up with something flannel, put some makeup on, do my hair, make sure I'm wearing some 'suck you off' lipstick, etc.

(I wanted to look good for my Playboy shoot, k?)

We head to the bedroom where I blow kisses, arch my back, do more than my share of jiggling body parts when he comes up with this gem:

Big Daddy: "Get on your hands & knees, baby."

At this point, I see bad things coming because who really wants to be ass up with a camera inches away from their personal grand canyon, hm?

He's crouched behind me, snapping away and comes up with another sparkler:

Big Daddy: "Spread your cheeks too!"

Now, this is no small thing he's asking of me. I'm a chubby girl with a big ol ass so I have to reach back, palm a considerable bum, mash my face in the pillow for leverage to the point of no longer being able to suck air, to achieve it.

I'm wheezing, fingers gripping a fat behind, hoping he's fucking happy.. when all of a sudden, I farted.

Yes. I. Did.

And I scream..

"Now look what you made me do!!!"

Like it's his fault. Because.. it is.

And I am not even shitting, (pardon the pun).. he doesn't miss a beat.

Big Daddy: (stifling what sounds suspiciously like snorted laughter) "It's okay, baby.. it's okay. Just forget it even happened."

FORGET?! I will remember this moment on my death bed. Because of you, you pervert.

And this right here illustrates how -nothing- will become between a man & his birthday party.


P. Mama

Thursday, January 21, 2010

I'm Back!!

Hey y'all,

I've returned and have soooo many stories to share!

But first I have to go catch up on all my favorite bloggers - you know who you are! You've been very missed.

Thanks so much to those of you that left comments, worried and wondering. You make me feel loved.

Check back in soon for the phat insanity that kept me away so long!

Love and chocolate kisses to all of you!

P. Mama

Monday, June 29, 2009

Chokin' It Down

I know what y'all thought! Pervs, the lot of you & I love you all more than cheesecake!

So, I'm currently choking down the first bottle of this chalky white contrast, for a CT Scan this afternoon. The bottle says it has a pleasant taste. The bottle is fucking lying to me. Straight in my grimacing face - lying.

Why the CT Scan? Well, P. Mama has some issues. (Physical, as well as mental.)

I have some lipomas. Fatty tumors. Balls of fat. Little donuts of fat. (I'm thinking of ways to describe these that make me happy.)

Anyway, I have a couple cake donuts with cute pink sprinkles of fat in my abdomen. I had one before but it was like, hmm.. a big bear claw type of pastry. Big enough that it had to be surgically removed, years ago. Apparently, before the Dunkin Donut Exorcism, it spawned donut holes and now they have grown.

Apparently, my prayer: Dear baby Jesus, please let all of my fat evenly disperse throughout my body so no one part feels cheated. All my love & pudge, P. Mama. - Didn't work.

Today, we're looking to see if these new ones need to be removed. The good news in this 'ass tasting drink/donuts in my bellay' fiasco is that the surgeon - he's hot. Mmmhmm.

P. Mama: (lifts her shirt to show off her lumps, and tits) "Soo, I recently flew and the pilot.. he thought I was dead sexy. What do you think?"

Doctor Do-Me: (feels me up.. I mean feels the lumps) "I think you need a Cat Scan."

P. Mama: "Uh-huh, all the better to see me with."

So, I'm gagging this drink down, all to impress him.. and off I go!

P.S. If any of you return the immense love that I have for you - can you please either make or find a very cute award for me to give out every Sunday to my most fave blog posts of the week.. so I can get that show on the road??


Thursday, June 25, 2009

Awe-Summ - Six Lungs.

I'm an idiot. I was trying to practice this linking the words and clicked publish post instead of Save As Draft. So, if any of you just clicked on this post in the last little bit, all you saw was this:

This chick is awesome: Sam!!


Of course, she is!! And yay me, the linking worked! But anyway - Sam gave me an award! See that cute pink Queen over there on the right?? Whoot!

So, rules are - I have to list seven things that are awe-summ about moi. I did that once on a post, for zelzee. (Love her too, she's great.)

I'm going to repost from that because I honestly have not much clue what is awe-summ about me!

So, here it is:

The seven things that I think make me Awesome:

1) I can streak my daughters hair better than any salon could.

2) I'm an amazing cook.

3) I'm a pretty decent writer.

4) I'm a great dancer & could do the 'tootsie roll' like nobodies business!

5) I'm a music trivia goddess.

6) I once rented a movie to Mike Tyson & didn't get a body part bitten off.

7) This is hard. I just asked my daughter what was awesummm about me and she replied, "Everything." :)

Now, for the next part. Seven women that I think are Queens of Awe-summ!


Calling People Names!

Fragrant Liar!

Two For One! Holy Crappers!



What I Should Have Said!

Seriously, I could do at least twenty more! But I hope to showcase some of my favorite blogs on Sunday nights!

So, make sure to check in for that, y'all. :)

Side story:

My daughter, Darling Bitchy, is 18. She's had sinus infection, ear infection (both ears) and bronchitis, for the last two weeks. The original medications didn't seem to be working so I took her back to the Doctor this week.

They found that she's not getting oxygen to the bottom of her lungs so gave her an inhaler. Last night, her brother, Rebel Boy - decided to just randomly spritz the inhaler around. She threw a fit and screamed at him that she needs that because her bottom set of lungs arn't getting air.

He said - "Bottom set of lungs?"

Darling Bitchy: "Yes, I have two lungs at the top, by my shoulders, two in the middle and two down here." (She very seriously points out where her six lungs are to him.)

He is nearly on the floor, laughing hysterically as he gives her an anatomy lesson.

Later on that night, she comes to me, nearly in tears. Her ears still hurt. I tell her to put the pain drops in. She again, very seriously, says to me:

"If I put them in this ear, tilt my head and shake it hard, maybe they'll go through to the other ear and unplug them both."

*le fuck* Someone switched my baby with Chrissy's from Three's Company.

God love her, she's so adorable, sweet and wonderful that we forgive her for her freakishly weird six lungs.