Friday, April 3, 2009

Tits Up.

Another riveting glimpse into my life/morning:

As mentioned in prior blog posts, I take care of an 89 year old, ex-Navy vet. I am his Nurse. I am a professional. And last night, I had to take the over night shift. Here's where it turns terribly wrong.

Having not had dinner, I took some McD's to work with me. I scarfed it down whilst watching Walker, Texas Ranger with him. (I'd like to kick Chuck Norris's ass, just to show him that Phat Mama's don't play, bitch.)

Sam went to bed & shortly thereafter, I went to the 'Nurse's bedroom' because I was so tired from the night before. (Read previous blog post.)

I woke up, every hour on the hour, feeling awful, sweating until my hair was soaked. (I know I'm F'n sexy, people!)

And sometime during the night, in a half-asleep, sickly haze, I forgot that I wasn't at home, in bed with my beloved Fuckmuffin and took off my tshirt. I was hot! Like I woke up in Hell & Satan was breathing on me, Hot.

I woke up for the last time, one minute before my shift was over. I heard noises from other areas of the house. Sam was awake, brushing his teeth. The morning nurse was already there. And horror, the cat had been let out of her room - right next to mine - and my bedroom door was wide open, just like I left it!

I had an entire minute of wondering.. Did Sam see me sleeping tits up? (Can 89 year olds get wood?)

(No pictures, sorry, Maelstrom! - Check out his blog today, people - too damn funny! It's on my sidebar as - Nothing To See Here, Move Along.)

To add to the never ending craptafic that is my life, I'm trying to decide wether I should go in for my next shift today or go to the E.R.

I have a sixth sense at self-diagnosis. (Another of my many talents.) So if I choose the E.R. option, I'll have to say things like:

"The 25 pound bag of McD's that I ate last night may have triggered my Irritable Bowel Syndrome, Doc."

"I think it may have because of the nuclear explosion in my ass this morning."

"I also had to hold a trash can between my thighs this morning. Do I look bulimic to you - vomiting is not my friend. I'm obviously sick, like on my death bed."

"Do you really have to look at my tonsils with that light thingmabob? The problem is in my stomach/ass region in case you wern't listening. I don't have a french fry caught in my throat, dude."

"My breath stinks? Well I didn't have time to brush my teeth before calling 911."

"Hey, you're kind of hot, Dr. IKnowYou'reRich. If I ever get divorced, let's hook up."

12 comments:

otherworldlyone said...

Haha! A model patient!

Girl Interrupted said...

Well hey, don't worry about it, if he did see your devils dumplings then at least you made an old man very happy.

Poor you! Do hope you're feeling better soon :)

Shawn said...

I have a feeling you are his favorite nurse now!

Tasha said...

Ahhhhhh, you have such a lovely way with words. :P Love that.

Tits up!

Maelstrom said...

Haha, maybe you did a nice thing for that old guy.

I hope you're feeling better soon, at least around here the weather is supposed to be relatively nice this weekend.

Phat Mama said...

Worldy one - Doctors don't make enough money to be happy when they see me. :)

GI - Devil Dumplings?! I love that, stealing it this second. (Look for it in future blog posts!)

Shawn - I'm going to love you for the words of faith in how loverly my boobs are but alas, I'm 38, the girls are warbly. But hey, Sam has cataracts so maybe he thinks I gots some Pam Andersoon hooters!

Tasha - Thanks so much, a gal tries her best. :)

Maelstrom - I'm all about being nice as you'll learn from my blog. :P I'm already feeling better and yep, nice weather here too! I've been thinking of putting more pics on my blog, just for you!

And to all of you uber bloggers - seriously, how do I get more po lil blog to grow?? I'm watering it and everything.

Beth said...

At least the old guy can die happy now. Can he see well?

And I'm not an uber blogger but I think commenting on others blogs helps a lot.

You are funny. Your blog will be discovered. Just give it some time.

Prunella Jones said...

Seems like there is money to be made doing topless nursing. True, it might excite some of your patients into a heart attack but at least they'd die happy.

Hope you are feeling better now.

Philly said...

God bless ya girl and hope you make alot of money doing what you do. I have to do it for free and know how hard it is.
I need a night time nurse for the gman, tops are optional.

Girl Interrupted said...

P Mama, you have a great blog, 19 followers already and a whole bunch of really cool comments ... so I'd say you're doing pretty good, just need to keep doing what you're doing :)

Phat Mama said...

Beth - Thanks for the kind words and the boost up, it helped. :)

Pru - Loads of money, I just have to figure out how to get tips that arn't Tums, tissues or Werther's candy.

Philly - Where are you located? I might could arrange that topless nursing!

GI - Pssst, one of the 19 followers is.. me. Is that terribly gay?

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