Tuesday, April 14, 2009

You Know You Want It

I have a 15 minute drive home from work, each night. It's always eventful. Here is my textual & pictorial explanation of tonights excursion:


First stop sign: I wait behind another car so that I can turn while wondering wtf is taking so long. I honk the horn. I see the driver do an irritated 'talk to the hand' movement. Knowing sign language too, I raise my middle finger, obvious sign language for 'I'm number one'. I then bother to look to the left and notice the oncoming semi-truck.

Oh. Umm yeah, don't try to shoot the gap for me, Grandma.


As I leave town, I notice the license plates on the car in front of me.

I think (talk) to myself: Does that hooker realize that license plates are forever? Unless you want to pony up $125.00 or your first born, you keep those mofo's until you die. What happens when Krissy leaves Asshole? Hm? She may as well have gotten his name tattoo'd on her butt cheeks, it would have been cheaper. I hope her next boyfriends name starts with an 'A' too. Dumbass.

As I was turning the corner onto my road, I had to dodge the piece of mobile home siding. Can someone please get out of their fucking vehicle and clean up after themselves? Jim Bo? Bubba? Anyone?

Finally, I get to my house. I was (tail-gating) following a minivan. Apparently, Soccer Mom's Mapquest took a huge shit at that exact moment because she whips a U-turn in my drive-way.


This is what I looked like:


I say a little prayer to JC (remember, he's not a cuss word, people) for getting me home safely & dash into my house. Make my way to our bedroom. Crawl in bed. Possibly horny. (It happens twice a year wether I want it to or not.) And upon this happening, I remember that Big Daddy worked 13 hours today.



The end.


12 comments:

Shawn said...

Bwahahahahaha!

Nyxmyst said...

*giggles*

Hey, it might not be a guy's name on that plate. It could stand for loves anal. :P

otherworldlyone said...

Haha! Eventful drive.

You can always do to your hubby what I heard on the raido this AM. A Russian woman chained a would be robber to a radiator and fed him tons of viagra. Rode him for three days before she let him go.

Maybe just slip a little one in his drink? And X the chains?

Personally, I like chains.

Nyxmyst said...

Shit! I need a robber now. Who knows where to go get viagra?

Girl Interrupted said...

Haha ... that dog pic is hilarious!! :P

Phat Mama said...

Heya, Shawn!!

Nyx, I thought of the anal thing too, rofl. We're not right.

worldlyone, omg girl! She musta been needing her some pickle bad!
(I like chains too.)
And don't even mention chains to nyx.. she's a kinkyfreak.

See her post after yours? Told ya!

GI.. I know, lol, I loved it!

Phat Mama said...

Heya, Shawn!!

Nyx, I thought of the anal thing too, rofl. We're not right.

worldlyone, omg girl! She musta been needing her some pickle bad!
(I like chains too.)
And don't even mention chains to nyx.. she's a kinkyfreak.

See her post after yours? Told ya!

GI.. I know, lol, I loved it!

Phat Mama said...

P.S. I got a bit happy with the comment button. Sorry.

zelzee said...

Start without Big Daddy. Leave him a post-it note slapped on your chest...."Had a great time, wish you had been here...."

Maelstrom said...

Yep, that pup looks like he's getting his first life lesson on why cats must die.

june cleaver said...

I have a vanity plate... yeah-it sucks. My life right now does not define my vanity plate and I just may change the mother humper so that I can JUST BE ME!

It was a "gift" from my husband... and if he were a dog, it would have been the same as pissing all over me to mark his territory.

Have I mentioned that I am having a bad day?

honkeie2 said...

hahaha....dont know about you but after a 16 hour shift I can do push ups with out the use of my arms. Strange side effect for an insomniac lol