Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Satan Loves My Ass.

So last night, darling bitchy bitch's friend came over. Jen, 20, pretty. And rebel boy scurried through our bedroom to the master bath to have a quick shower , change into his best 'boxer showing' jeans and 'I'm A Pimp' tshirt.

As he was mad dashing back through our room, leaving a cloud of cologne & teenaged testosterone behind, I thoughtfully watched his departure and wondered if I would be a bad Mom, throwing condoms at him.

Also, while I'm discussing the most (humiliating) every day happenings at Casa de Phat Mama..

I have IBS. Do y'all know what that is? Does anyone have it? (If so, please leave a comment so I don't feel so alone, and so everyone else knows your ass hurts.) It's Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Now before everyone shuts this window, here's a funny mixed with a health lesson:

When one (me) has IBS, they may eat a (1/2 a pan of lasagna) salad and also consume (3 bottles) a glass of wine and be fine. The next day, they might eat (the other half pan of lasagna) an apple.. and not be fine. Today is one of those not fine days. I'm reading all of your blogs from my throne (princess waves) and I daresay, it feels like Satan himself is giving me a rim job, my ring piece is burning so terribly.

The health lesson is this: Don't eat an entire lasagna (a salad, damnit!) and (3 bottles) a glass of wine or your ass will mount a full on revolt.

The overall lesson of the day is: Having to consider which size condoms to buy for your son so your fabulous 38 year old self isn't a Grandma too soon.. not priceless. At all. It will give you the shits too.


Girl Interrupted said...

well gosh! I'm not entirely sure what to say! Especially now I know you're probably reading this from your throne! It doesn't feel quite right to engage you in witty conversation just now ...

(Waving back atcha though, btw)

Hope you're feeling tickety boo again soon :P

Phat Mama said...

rofl, you made me laugh with that tickety boo!


otherworldlyone said...

Hahaha...I needed that laugh today.

Nyxmyst said...

I'm not sure we're close enough to be conversing while you're all throne bound.

Two things, though...

1) A whole fucking pan of lasagna?!!?!?!? Are you on crack?!!

2) Buy him really tiny ones and then run. His ego would be so deflated he might not manage to accomplish what would make you a grandma.

Paige Lacey said...

I started buying condoms and leaving them in Boy's bathroom when he was thirteen. I so don't want to be a grandma before I'm forty... Or, hey, how bout fifty? I'd be okay with fifty.

Lady, stay away from the lasagna. That much of anything can't be good for you!

Girl Interrupted said...

:P *hugsss*

Vodka Mom said...

do I smell something???

Vodka Mom said...

Bitchy thinks she has IBS.........we are looking into it.

(Way to GO for buying the condoms.)

Shawn said...

Umm..can you open a window please?

Phat Mama said...

worldlyone - Glad I could help! You can do it, I have faith. :)

Nyx - I was exaggerating the WHOLE pan for laughs. I left a piece.

rofl, thanks for the helpful hint re condom buying.

Paige - I'd be okay with 50 too! I swear though, if rebel boy asks me to get him glow in the dark or ribbed condoms, I'm going to stroke out.

VM - Yes, you smell something! lol
I hope Bitchy doesn't have IBS - it's awful, seriously. I could tell you gobs about just how awful. It takes actual dedication to keep eating regular food at times. (I'm a believer in dedication.) Because most of the time, you just want to eat jello and drink broth, rather than chance the IBS taking over your next day.

Shawn - Done & Febreezed!

honkeie2 said...

Sorry for the sore ass.
I had the condom take with my 13 year old....boy was he wrong on so many points. He actually thought you could just use any platic bag!

Mr. Condescending said...

I have a 5 year old boy and 2 year old girl, I do not look forward to anything involving them and condoms!