Saturday, April 4, 2009

Hot Southern Kittay.

As a born & bred yankee, transplanted in the south, I've come to learn all kinds of things. Some of them have been mentioned on an older blog post. These are 'new' lessons:

1. Don't ever talk shit about Lynyrd Skynyrd. It's much like burning the flag. 'Sweet Home Alabama' is THE anthem in these parts. I learned this recently while simply mentioning that while watching a concert video of this song, I was squicked by how many men were in their underwear at said concert.

The Suth'ner that I was speaking to about this ugliness spit his chew within inches of my flip-flop and just stared at me.

2. You can get flip-flops for a buck at the 'Everything's A Dollar' store. These are the shoes of choice. For your church socials at Southern Baptist, have some class! Spend $5 for a nicer sandal (a big fake rose on the toe & some rhinestones) at Wal-Mart.

3. Flip-flops also make good child beaters - they don't leave marks and can fly in a boomerang fashion to knock naughty child down when thrown with appropriate skill and wrist action. I learned this from the Minister at the Southern Baptist ice cream social.

4. When people say, "Quit being ugly!" to their children, they do not actually mean - Man, this kid belongs on the set of Deliverance. They are simply telling their child that if they don't stop doing what they're doing, they are going to be beaten with the flip-flop.

5. An acceptable method of greeting one another down here is by passing the lit joint.

6. Do not offend your new neighbor when he passes you the lit joint over top his razor fence by saying, "Oh, not thank you, I don't do drugs. I belong to D.A.R.E!" This will get you chew juice spit into your eye and a flip-flop up your ass.

7. The correct way to decline illegal drugs is to mention the upcoming piss test mandatory with probation after a doing a nickel in the state pen for assault & battery. (Flex muscles while making this statement. Having a rebel flag tattoo'd on your bicep produces best results.)

8. Never, ever, ever make a joke to Jim Bob about how the north won the war so you don't understand why he's still flying a rebel flag in front of his trailer. This will get you hung from a tree. A hog will be roasting, they will have their hands over their hearts, singing 'Sweet Home Alabama', the whole trailer park will turn out for your (lynching) party.

9. 'Texas Pete', the hot sauce, goes on everything. Wings, grits, greens - everything. I'm almost sure redneck men sprinkle a bit on the va-jay-jay before eating southern kittay.

More.. as I learn the culture!

15 comments:

Girl Interrupted said...

*spits her chew*

I need to buy some flip flops

Snarky A. said...

Ha ha! I love this! You are fabulous and hilarious!

As a borne & raised Swede, I am truly entertained by the clearly quite exotic social customs of the south.

Shawn said...

Ahh...don't you just absolutely LOVE it!

You'll never be able to handle Yankee land again!

Flip flops make the BEST tan lines in the summer time also. If you don't have a good set of flip flop tan lines...then you just aren't truly a southe'ner. Just warnin' ya so you don't go 'round and git yerself lynched. ;o)

Individual Surrender said...

I am reminded of a crew chief I had, while doing contract archaeology work in tennessee. He had a 'thing' for Nathan Bedford Forrest... the founder of the KKK, I believe. I remember him clearly saying "Nathan Bedford Forrest was a humanitarian!" Yep. Humanitarian.

zelzee said...

Who would have thought there was a rule book when traveling to the South.

Thanks for the insight.

And here we northerners only wear flip-flops to the beach........what were we thinking?
Silly northerner.....

Girl Interrupted said...

Just dropping by to say hey and thanks for following my blog :)

Phat Mama said...

GI - I would send you some flip-flops with cherries & lime green glitter on them! And re following your blog, welcome, it's my pleasure. :)

Snarky - Thanks! And yes, the life here is fascinating & should be a pictorial in National Geographic!

Shawn - I shall have those flip-flop tan lines & put pictures of them on my blog at the end of the summer if you do the same!

Surrender - The gentleman I take care of thinks the KKK is a public service organization that helps folks out in times of need.

Zelzee - There is a rule book, or if not, there should be and I should write it! lol

mo.stoneskin said...

Ha you can get flip-flops for free if you wander down the beach. Sure, they won't match, but...it'll save you a $.

sista #2 said...

HAHA
Also a yankee transplanted down South.

This post cracked me up!!!!


peace
#2

otherworldlyone said...

HILARIOUS!

3.Oh how right you are! I couldn't tell you how embarrassing it was to be a child, walking around in a public grocery store, and all of a sudden you're screaming bloody murder because your 350lb Aunt is beating the shit out of you with a size 11 flip flop for touching produce. Memories...

4. HAHAHAHAHA! I say this to my kid ALL the time! "You're being ugly! That's enough!" Oh God, I'm one of THEM!

5,6,7. Just pull a Clinton and don't inhale. They'll be so stoned they won't know the difference. And the piss test excuse usually does work pretty well, but you can only use it so long before they figure it out.

9. Yes, a few southern men HAVE tried to put it on the kittay. I work in a hospital. ER visits are recorded and repeated. I shit you not. <--Also a southern phrase.

Debbie said...

Well, you have been paying attention! We are so pleased when you transplants try to fit in like this.

Sally-Sal said...

Fucking hilarious! I laughed so hard I peed a little.

Phat Mama said...

mo - I made a mental note of that damned good tip and will have all kinds of flip flops after we visit the beach this summer!

sista #2 - Love your blog as well, thanks for clicking the follow!

worldlyone - Damnit, your comments are funnier than my blog! LOL

Debbie - I'm a quick learner. And I'm allergic to rope!

Sally - Thanks for following & glad you enjoyed it! I'm going to head over to yours and Debbie's blogs now to return the favor!

for a different kind of girl said...

Many of these reasons are why I stock up on the flipflops. Different colors aren't just for making a fashion statement!

otherworldlyone said...

I could say the same for your comments on mine!