As a born & bred yankee, transplanted in the south, I've come to learn all kinds of things. Some of them have been mentioned on an older blog post. These are 'new' lessons:
1. Don't ever talk shit about Lynyrd Skynyrd. It's much like burning the flag. 'Sweet Home Alabama' is THE anthem in these parts. I learned this recently while simply mentioning that while watching a concert video of this song, I was squicked by how many men were in their underwear at said concert.
The Suth'ner that I was speaking to about this ugliness spit his chew within inches of my flip-flop and just stared at me.
2. You can get flip-flops for a buck at the 'Everything's A Dollar' store. These are the shoes of choice. For your church socials at Southern Baptist, have some class! Spend $5 for a nicer sandal (a big fake rose on the toe & some rhinestones) at Wal-Mart.
3. Flip-flops also make good child beaters - they don't leave marks and can fly in a boomerang fashion to knock naughty child down when thrown with appropriate skill and wrist action. I learned this from the Minister at the Southern Baptist ice cream social.
4. When people say, "Quit being ugly!" to their children, they do not actually mean - Man, this kid belongs on the set of Deliverance. They are simply telling their child that if they don't stop doing what they're doing, they are going to be beaten with the flip-flop.
5. An acceptable method of greeting one another down here is by passing the lit joint.
6. Do not offend your new neighbor when he passes you the lit joint over top his razor fence by saying, "Oh, not thank you, I don't do drugs. I belong to D.A.R.E!" This will get you chew juice spit into your eye and a flip-flop up your ass.
7. The correct way to decline illegal drugs is to mention the upcoming piss test mandatory with probation after a doing a nickel in the state pen for assault & battery. (Flex muscles while making this statement. Having a rebel flag tattoo'd on your bicep produces best results.)
8. Never, ever, ever make a joke to Jim Bob about how the north won the war so you don't understand why he's still flying a rebel flag in front of his trailer. This will get you hung from a tree. A hog will be roasting, they will have their hands over their hearts, singing 'Sweet Home Alabama', the whole trailer park will turn out for your (lynching) party.
9. 'Texas Pete', the hot sauce, goes on everything. Wings, grits, greens - everything. I'm almost sure redneck men sprinkle a bit on the va-jay-jay before eating southern kittay.
More.. as I learn the culture!
...and in the end
4 years ago