Wednesday, April 15, 2009

I'm Not Sorry I Gagged

A text message woke me bright & early (noon), three days ago and this is what it said: "U hav until 2day 2 pay ur bill trailer trash or we will bingo ur celly." I stumbled out of bed, pulled clothes on over my nightie, jammed feet into flip-flops and dashed to the local 'Turn your change into dollars' machine.

I tried once (five times) to shove the extra large lint ball through while muttering, "Cummon, let me cheat, that's as big a nickle, you asshole."

Then I drove to my federal bailout institution and deposited the money/lint ball.

I called the phone company & pressed '1' for some anal penetration, then '8' for the circle jerk (we sang Kum Bah Yah), then '3' to give them a BJ and because I didn't swallow, I was told to press '8' to go back to the main menu and start over.

After humping Sprint's collective ass to beg forgiveness for the error of my late paying ways, they deigned to put a real, live, breathing customer service rep on the phone so that I could be berated and robbed in person.

I apologized for my hair-trigger gag reflex, paid the bill and hung up after thanking them profusely for the anal penetration.

Today, I logged into my bank account and see that this payment is still pending. Three days later. PENDING.

"We will disconnect your phone if you do not pay today." Fucking liars. I know they just wanted to see how fast the fat ass could get to the bank. I should have pressed '3' and bitten their dick off.

19 comments:

Shawn said...

Oh My Gawd! I'll never be able to listen to a dang recording the same way. Ever. Again.

Bwahahahahaha!

for a different kind of girl said...

Last month, I was one day late with my city garbage/utility bill. A few months ago, I was a day - ONE DANG DAY!! - late, and they sent me a letter reminding me of city code that services are yanked immediately on the first day of missed payment. Anyway, with the fear of that on my head, I tacked the penalty money - about two bucks - onto my monthly payment and ran up to City Hall to pay the bill, which was on a Saturday. This month, I got my bill, they graced me the damn late payment but rather than give it back to me, they gave me a credit on my bill. Stupid. So stupid.

Girl Interrupted said...

Hahaha !!!!!

That does it! I'm changing my licence plate to:

GI LUVS PMAMA

otherworldlyone said...

Hilarious, as usual!

Nyxmyst said...

*Adds teach Mama how to deep throat without a gag reflex onto the to-do list for her visit*

zelzee said...

Another case of......
whose car is faster???

june cleaver said...

I think I love you... I think I want you to be my new best friend...

You made me laugh out loud-and believe me, today... I needed to laugh out loud!

Cheers!

Cretin said...

And by "Federal Bail Out Institution", she means .. AMSCOT ;) ily baby.

otherworldlyone said...

What is this?

I come in to work thinking, "I've got catching up to do!" And you haven't posted and now I might have to actually GASP work!

Must have your hubby trying out new songs....

Prunella Jones said...

Fuck! I want to call them up and cuss them out on your behalf. Fuck those fuckers!

P.S. Funny post!

Paula said...

LOL.. I love you M. You always make me laugh. *smooches*

You have been tagged by the Tagged 8 meme. Please proceed to Sanity is Overrated to check it out!

Love ya! =Þ

honkeie2 said...

Yous did it worng. Its anal, reach around, bj, then a dirty sanchez. Then and only then will it clear.

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