Tuesday, April 7, 2009

A Different Kind of Thang

I'm going to a different kind of post today & I hope y'all don't read it and think - Holy Crap, Phat Mama just went Hallmark on us!

I love to write - it's my meditation, my time just for me, it's even therapeutic. I write poetry, short stories, letters to those I love and really, just whatever I'm thinking and feeling in that moment or that time in my life.

My dream is to someday be published but 1. I'm too much a wussy to try & be rejected. 2. I'm too lazy to actually send anything off. 3. I read a lot & can see true talent - I'm not it! lol

So now and then, here on my blog, I'm going to share some of that writing. I hope y'all enjoy it or can even relate in some way. If not.. pretend you do & leave comments saying, "Wow, P Mama, you are amazing!" That way, I can happily scarf down my Cheez-Its and princess wave to y'all.

"Missing You"

Everything will be obscure and off balance until you return to me. What was important is meaningless. My eyes glaze over from watching this screen. I'd rather close my eyes and see your laughing face reflected from memory. I keep sniffing the air but your scent left with you. I dread our bed because it's cold, lonely and to big. Is it pathetic that I bury my face in your pillow to catch that last tantalizing whiff of lingering cologne?

I roam around this house, lost. You would swear it's a fifty room mansion the way I lose myself from room to room. I think I'm looking for you on some base level of my being. I watch the door, the sundown is mesmerizing thru the panes of glass. I would give up a weeks worth of sundowns to see you walk through it. Missing you is always hardest at this hour, when your arms would reach for me in sleep, tug me close until I fit in your embrace like I was created to be there.

Don't you know that you own my soul, my heart, my every memory? Yes, I think you do know. Maybe that's why you reach out to touch me at every oppurtunity. Fate can be cruel but sometimes it brings two lives together to form one. Every song that I listen to tries to describe love. There are no words, not those and not these I write tonight.

A lifetime of little moments that would never fit into any scrapbook. I wish I could write our love story but those words wouldn't be good enough either. How do we tell our children, how do we share with them this incredible history, the fragments of life and emotion?

How can I show them the completeness of their parents? I want to do that, you know. I want them to see it all and take it with them, long after we are gone. Love like ours is rare in this chaotic reality. To stand the test of time, to walk through each tragedy and triumph, hand in hand, is a little piece of miracle.

How is it possible to fall in love with the same person with each new dawn? How can I sit here with you so far away and feel tears of loneliness and blissful love slide down my cheeks? When I leave this plane of existence where eveything and everyone is less than perfect, where I cry and laugh and live with my imperfection.. if I leave it tomorrow, I just want to know that I loved you best. I just want to know that you felt it this deep.

Maybe these words are coming from that lonely place that will only be full again when you come home. Maybe it's dramatic, emotional. And maybe, someday our kids will go through some papers in an old box and find this and know the completeness of their parents and take it with them, long after we are gone.


sAm said...

That's sweet...I especially connected with burying your face in his pillow.

Girl Interrupted said...

Aww ... P Mama! That was lovely! :) And very well written! You have more talent than you think.

Being the big, romantic softy I am (shh ... don't tell anyone) I could relate to a lot of the things you expressed

Suddenly I have an urge to cuddle someone lol

Phlly said...

Wow Pmama that's amazing !!
Have you tried the mixed cheese its yet?

otherworldlyone said...

Lovely! And in no way close to being cheesy like Hallmark.

Now that you've successfully made me question why I like being single...I'm on my way out to be reminded!

Phat Mama said...

Sam - Their pillows are the best, huh? I find myself moving to his pillow when he leaves for work. :)

GI - Cuddle me and make Zibbs jealous!!

Phlly - Nope, not tried them, any good? And rofl at your comment! It makes me feel so special! *princess wave*

worldlyone - Aw, thanks! And umm.. if you do any super fun stuff that us married folks are too tired, old and out of shape to do, can you please blog about it so I can live vicariously through you?

Girl Interrupted said...

lol *cuddddddddllllllllleeeeeeeee*

Thanks P Mama! That was great! You give good cuddleage! :P

zelzee said...

This was absolutely wonderful! I actually felt every emotion........excellent writing!

There is nothing like that deep love that consumes your every being, bringing a relationship filled with love, friendship and family.

I may be single, but I have known that passion........and will carry it with me always.

Paula aka. Zani said...

I really loved that. Totally gorgeous imagery.. and you made me feel it. Very very nice. =]

Philly said...

Cheese its are my fav.
The new mixed box is a combo of the orginal flavor and parm cheese.
Sooooo good.
Ate a whole box last week.

Lynnette Labelle said...

Nice. I liked your post.

Lynnette Labelle

sista #2 said...

That was great :)


Phat Mama said...

GI - You give the best cuddleage, love your lady lumps!

zelzee - Thank you, so much, for that comment. I hope that you get to feel it again, somday. But I also know that if we get it even once, it can last us a lifetime.

Paula - Thanks and so glad to see you here, girl!

Philly - Totally robbing you of those parmesan cheez-its!

Lynnette - Thanks, going to jump over to your blog this evening!

sista #2 - Heading to your blog now for the daily read and thanks!

Debbie said...

I love the fact that you are so multi-dimensional. This was great!

Julie said...

Well, hell! What have I been missing over here on this little blog of yours????????

That was great!!!!

Phat Mama said...

Aww thanks Debbie! Hope you continue to enjoy!

Come on over, Julie! Thanks. :)

I'm going to hope over and visit you and Debbie in just a bit here. :)