Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Bargains for Divorce

I've noticed, while on my way to work, that the highway signs of the south seem to be a beacon of hope for the newly divorced woman.

As you'll note in the first one, you can pawn off the engagement ring/wedding band set your wife-beater wearing hubby bought for you after you sacrificed your daisy duke ass to provide him with six kids... and buy yourself some tanning sessions.

Fake bake yourself into sex goddess deliciousness and a hot date (revenge) with his best friend, Bubba Red.

Not even two miles up the road is this one stop shop mecca! A girl can strut her little rhinestone shoes into the winery that Napa Valley is green with envy over and pick up a $3 bottle to take next door to the beauty palace.

Nothing can make a womans day like telling every gal in the place that your Ex has small 'pork & beans' while Verna teases your hair into the Dolly Parton special of the week and you get shit-faced on the (moonshine) wine.

Located just across the road from the Tan & Pawn, this is for those gals that only had 10k gold and cubic zirconia to pawn and couldn't afford the tanning sessions -and- a .38 Special.

Carolina Flea Market gives the po redneck girl a cheap alternative, bless their hearts!

If Bubba Red gets too fresh, (like he offers to make you squeel like a pig), zap his ass.

The Sham-Wow! part of this post is for Dana's Brain! I thought of you the moment I saw that cheap-ass price for something as cool as the Sham!

Saturday, March 28, 2009

WTF is Twitter?

I'm new to this blogging thing.

Look at how many followers I have & you might notice that. (But thanks Dr. Zibbs for the shout out on your blog, you brought a bunch of people over to me & got me some new fellow lunatiks! And btw, I love your blog more than rare steak.)

Since I'm new, I thought that I should just start clicking on everyone else's fave blogs (to steal ideas) see what's out there, see how to go about this, etc.

I'm addicted. Like a crack whore with a $20 to spend on a rock, addicted. There are so many talented writers, funny & intelligent people in blogland! I'm so addicted that I keep forgetting to write in my own blog as I read other peoples and comment!

But being me, I have favors to ask of y'all:

How do you link video? How do you put a line through words/strike them? How do you make them so cool and/or pretty looking with the headers, graphics, sidebars? What is Twitter & will it make me sexier? How do I get more people to come read my profanity?

Thanks in advance for any help given and welcome everyone to Phat Mama!

Friday, March 27, 2009

I Fear The Geriatric.

So, I'm sure all of my readers (8) wonder what someone as funny, smart, and charming as I am does for a living.

Well, ponder on it no longer! I take care of an 89 year old man who was in the Navy for 30 years. He's also a born and bred, redneck southerner. (Is that redundant?)

His name is Sam and he thinks the KKK is a public service organization that helps folks out in times of need. He's completely politically incorrect on almost every subject & doesn't care. He's outspoken, hysterical, very intelligent and God bless him, he still wipes his own ass.

The reason Sam is coming up today for the first time (of many, I suspect) is because as I peruse the offerings of the blogospere this afternoon, he is sat next to me at the dining room table, patiently cleaning, oiling and adjusting both his binoculars and one of his many guns.

He just lifted the binoculars up to his face and peered at me.

He has cataracts and can barely focus on Walker, Texas Ranger each night as Chuck kicks everyone's ass while singing his own theme song.

But I -promise- y'all, if he sets down the binoculars and picks up the gun to shoot whatever or whoever has pissed him off today, I'm going to get my first exercise this year when I dive for the floor.

Because someone (possibly the yankee girl with the big butt & boobs and smart mouth) burnt his fucking grits this morning.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Bald Bush.

It took me four days of seeing this 'lady razor' commercial to get the message behind the visual.

Women would walk by a bush or bushes and magically, the bush would transform to a neatly trimmed circle or triangle or rectangle.

It's a razor on one end and a 'bush trimmer' on the other end.

The commercial is tacky and yet.. clever.

When it finally hit me last night, (because while tacky, I'm not so clever) what the green, trimmed bushes were signifying, I turned to my 18 year old daughter and said in my best (shocked) soccer mom voice, "Do you GET what that commercial is saying?!"

She looked up from banging away a text message on her phone and replied, "Yeah, they should have made one bush with no leaves.. like bald."

*mutters to herself & goes to borrow some booze from Vodka Mom*


Dear Kendall,

I have put off writing this letter until the very night of your birthday. Somehow, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I wrote you a letter when you were inside of me, just a month before I had you - so I knew I had to write this one, just as you're on the verge of becoming a woman.

You've been 18 for an hour now. We just finished watching the movie - Because I Said So - which I thought was very appropriate because it is about a Mother letting go of her daughter. Just as I now have to learn to let you go, to grow up and become a woman.

As excited as you are about today, I am so incredibly sad and worried. I wish I could feel your excitement, Kendall.. but as hard as I've tried, I can't. I can smile, watching your joy over this day finally coming. But in my heart, I feel a loss. I want every day of the last 18 years back. I want to hold you in my arms like I did when you were just born, and whisper all over again how you would grow up to be so very beautiful, smart, funny and wonderful. All those years ago, I saw the dream that would come true.. you have become all of those things.

I want your first birthday back, watching you in the high chair with the little party hat on, making a mess of your first birthday cake as you learned how to feed yourself. And the second birthday, when you were toddling around, curious about everything. I want the first day you went to school back, when I put you on the school bus and walked into the house crying. That was the first time I had to.. let go.

I want to cuddle you up again, wipe your tears, put Barbie band-aids on your scraped knees, brush your hair up into pretty bows that matched the million clothes you had. I want that sweet little face with the kitten green eyes, puffy lips and cute button nose to tilt to mine for a kiss goodnight, always. You are the only girl I know that can giggle and have it sound real and so very cute. It makes me smile whenever I hear it.

It's so crazy, but now that I am finally writing this.. I have tons of things to say to you. Memories, words of advice for your future, it's all spinning through my mind.

And maybe this letter won't make sense as I type furiously to put my thoughts and feelings into words but I think, somehow, you will understand. As I started writing this letter, I asked God to give me every perfect word to make you feel my love and I hope.. you do.

I want to hold you to me always, Missy. So that I can protect you from the hurts that life will give you. I just want so much to keep you safe. I'm scared, terrified even, because I know life is hard, there is a lot of bad out there and you have the most tender heart, the most loving nature. Your feelings get hurt easily.

You are so much like me, Kendall. Each day that goes by, as you become a woman, I see it more and more. You are sassy, fiesty and can be a little bit of the bitchy bitch.. but you cry easily, you hurt deeply, you want to believe the best in people. You are both fierce and strong.. and loving and soft. Just like me.

You are going to be an amazing wife and a wonderful Momma someday. And if I taught you anything, or gave you anything to take into the future - I hope it is how to love your children, as much as I love you. I didn't have that growing up and it was so important to me, to be that for you and Colton. I don't know that I have been the best Mom, or if I ever will be.. but I know that I have spent every second loving both of you with all of my heart.

I want you to know what happiness you bring to my life, Kendall. How you make me laugh, how you make me want to just stare at the most beautiful face in the world. How much I enjoy driving down the road and listening to music with you. Talking with you, watching movies together. I enjoy listening to your thoughts, your hopes and dreams for the future. I am so proud of the person you are. You're bright, mature, responsible and you make good decisions.

You are nice to people, you don't try to hurt anyone and you forgive those that hurt you - and forgiving people is one of the hardest, but most important things you can do in your life. Just remember in the future, these few things:

It's okay to make mistakes, they teach you. The important thing is to always get back up when you fall down. Take the time to enjoy life. Find the beauty and happiness in the small things - don't wait for the big ones. Love who you are, as a person. Know you are worth love and respect and never allow people to treat you badly. You set the measure of your own worth. If you think something feels wrong, deep down inside, it is wrong and say no. You have to do what is right for you.

Never be afraid to say - I love you. Hug tight, kiss as often as you can and hold hands with your husband 'til the day you die. Don't be ashamed to cry. Take long drives all by yourself when you need time to think and feel. Listen to music loud and shake your butt, even when people are looking. Be honest, be loyal, be strong, be kind, be loving. Pray to God often - he will help.

And remember all of our memories, hold them as close as I do. And remember that I am always here for you. Even after I'm gone, I'll be in your heart, listening.

I wish.. I could express in this letter, how hard this day is. How I want to rewind the years, how they just went too fast, my beautiful girl. Where did they all go? How you have made every day, for 18 years, the best days of my life. How this day, that marks you becoming an adult, makes me suddenly feel old, and not needed anymore by you. I know it's dumb.. because I know that you will always love me, need me.. but not the way you once did, when I made the decisions, to keep you safe, to guide you to this day.

I want to hug you, hold you close.. forever. But now it's time to trust that I did it right, that your Dad and I.. raised you right. And that you're going to be okay. It's time to put all of my trust in you. I have often said to people - that everyone should have a child just like you. Because you are quite simply.. wonderful.

I love you, I respect you, I'm proud of you and I like you as a person. So I'm going to trust in you, and always be your Mom, but now I am going to become one of your best friends too. Because.. you are already one of my best friends, Kendall.



Sunday, March 15, 2009

Chin Hair.

I woke this morning (11 a.m.'ish) to an 'in the mood' hubby. It's Sunday, no kids at home, so okay - he gets some of my hotness.

And then.. I remembered that I forgot to pluck the teeny little hairs out of my chin. So the whole time, I couldn't focus on his umm, abilities. Instead, I was hoping he didn't think I was having a seizure as my hands kept flailing up around the offending area.

I had the quick mental conversation with myself - Which is worse, double chin or hairy chin? - and then pushed my head down, thinking double chin.. way better than bearded lady.

Sadly, he didn't take the hint when I tried to flip over. (Perfect position for hiding the chin, right.) "No baby, this is good, stay right there." (My mental response: Can't you see the F'n hairs & when the hell did you start popping Viagra, porn star?)

I couldn't use Kegels to end things sooner (so I could dash and pluck) because I'm so lazy that I won't even work out -those- muscles.

I may be exaggerating the amount of stubble. It's really just a stray hair (tiny damnit) here and there. A sign of aging. A sign that my estrogen has slowed to a trickle. But it was bugging me. Even after 18 years of marriage, I still want to be a sex kitten for him.

It was only later, while removing the offenders that I remembered him telling me he needs to see an eye Doctor. Apparently, he is having trouble seeing things that are close to his face. Next time this happens, I'm going to be all up in his grill so that all he sees is blurred perfection.

Addicted to Bathing.

At any given time of day, no matter what I'm doing, I'll have the overwhelming urge to take a bath.

Hot - steaming hot - water.
The scent of Japanese Cherry Blossom body bath foaming into outrageously huge bubbles.
Candles lit.
Music playing in the background.
Me - submerged, hair floating, that water soothing a body that is creeping towards the aches and pains of middle age.

I will stop what I'm doing and the need for all of that washes over me (excuse the pun) and if I'm at home, I rush for the tub.

When my children were younger, they would sit on the toilet and talk to me. I learned some of the most important things about the process of them growing up while I rested back in the bubbles and listened to them chatter at me.

Now they are not around much. They are nearly grown. I close my eyes & listen for them and hear laughter, words whispering around me, like when you sing in the shower.. that echo it leaves behind. That is what I hear now. It's bittersweet. It's my perfect moment of solitude.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

The South Will Rise Again

The craziest thing I've heard since being back in North Carolina:

While watching 'Family Feud' with an 89 year old man and upon repeating the question back to him - "What organization helps people in times of trouble?" - he replied, completely seriously, "The KKK."

The oddest thing I've seen since being back:

An El Camino monster truck with spinner rims and a rebel flag paint job, parked at 'Pig Pickin BBQ'.

The least sexy thing I've seen since being back:

A guy with a full on mullet, dressed in cut off Levi shorts (I could see he had an itty bitty package), a cut off AC/DC tshirt that showed his abs of flab, flip-flops and a dangly skull earring. My daughter actually yelled, "Look, Joe Dirt!"

The most sexy thing I've seen since I've been back:

My husband. What can I say? He's yummy.

What I have realized since moving back:

All of the gay/lesbians work at Waffle House.

My worst experience since being back:

The 89 year old man formerly mentioned telling me that I really have to eat some 'greens', they're good for you, Jody! And a day after eating them, realizing that if he meant they clean you out from esophagus to asshole, sure.. they're the damn redneck colonic.

A fact about NC:

Gravy goes well on everything. Bisquits, pork tenderloin, grits, deep fat fried twinkies.. yep, ladle some on there because yanno, the deep fat friend twinkie by itself just isn't enough. We need some gravy on that mofo!

Another fact about NC:

Fat girls are HOT!

My favorite things about NC:

Bojangles dirty rice, the sweet southern drawls, Concord Mills, Lowes Motorspeedway, Chinese food at midnight, sweet tea, high speed internet!! Waffle House!

My least favorite things about NC:

The excess traffic. Obviously people do not understand the interstate system was put into place for me. Just me. Move. Move your fucking piece of shit El Camino, Joe Dirt.

A Pig Butt BBQ joint on every corner. I hate BBQ. Mow them all down and put up more Chinese places. Preferably buffets. Unless Pig Butt serves breakfast all day, then they can stay.

How Southerners think every place is just '5 minutes down the road.'

No, it's an hour away! Just say it straight. Tell me you need me to meet you in damn Georgia because you found a hot sale on Nascar stuff and your car isn't big enough to haul it back.When they give you directions to meet them, they use the church on the right as a marker for you to look for.

It's the SOUTH - there is a church on every block. Sometimes four of them, one on every corner to save the redneck hooker standing out there trying to make a 20-spot to buy her a crack rock in the back of Pig Butt. It's like an extra value meal they have. Super size the rock.

I'm sure this list will grow, more soon.