Yesterday, I did a post about love. Thank y'all for your comments - they inspired me! Today though, we're going to have a peek into another facet of a long-term marriage. The sex! This will be some of my funniest blog material so it will be a recurring theme, folks. (Which he will never know about, of course.)
The following is a conversation that happened between myself and JBaby, last night.
This mojo music was playing. In his mind only.
Phat Mama: *cuddles in bed with him, a drawn out sigh of bliss to stretch out after a long day. Studmuffin may have taken it as a moan of pleasure at his mere presence.* "I'm soo tired. This is my 22nd day in a row at work & I need a day off, badly. I'm bone-deep tired, Baby."
JBaby: "Take your shirt off."
Phat Mama: (Mental Response - Mofo, do you have your selective hearing aide in again? Because I know I just said I was exhausted.)
*Okay all you newlyweds, we're going to take a break from the big happenings in my bedroom last night, for this next part. Pay attention. This right here is some really good advice (possibly me talking out of my ass) that you will not see in 'Men Are From Mars But Want In Uranus'.
Your words - I'm too tired.
His translaterion - To give a BJ?
Your words - I have a headache.
His translation - The area between your tits and ass feels okay though, right?
Your words - My jaw hurts.
His translation - Is the Anbesol still in the kids' room? Just numb it up, Baby. Maybe it'll work on your gag reflex too!
Your words - I'm having cramps.
His translation - Let me give you a massage from the inside out.
Okay, so back to me now! I'm stretched out, exhausted and he tells me to take my shirt off. There, caught up.
Being the good wife I am, even whilst calling him names (horndog) silently, I take off my shirt.
JBaby: *blinks, confused* "Ummm, okay, take your nightgown off too."
*I had to run to Wal-Mart earlier and here in the south, we just pull our shirt and pants on over our nightie, k?
Phat Mama: *Taking off the nightie* (Mental Response - if his love pickle is getting happy right now, I'm going to be so pissed. Maybe I can hunch forward and make my boobs look saggy so he doesn't want any of this tonight. Can't he see I'm tired!? Blind fucker.)
JBaby: *pats the bed* "Lay here, on your belly."
Phat Mama: *mutters & rolls over* (Mental Response - I wonder if he'll notice the little nap I take as long as I'm face down, ass up.)
And then.. he gave me a back massage!
Phat Mama: *lots of purr purr noises* (Mental Response - Oh please, don't let him not have an ulterior motive.
JBaby: *Slowly and connivingly moves his hand towards my boob*
Phat Mama: (Mental Response - Damnit, I didn't make them look saggy enough. Now he's going to prod me with his tool of menace.)
...and in the end
5 years ago