Wednesday, April 8, 2009


Yesterday, I did a post about love. Thank y'all for your comments - they inspired me! Today though, we're going to have a peek into another facet of a long-term marriage. The sex! This will be some of my funniest blog material so it will be a recurring theme, folks. (Which he will never know about, of course.)

The following is a conversation that happened between myself and JBaby, last night.

This mojo music was playing. In his mind only.

Phat Mama: *cuddles in bed with him, a drawn out sigh of bliss to stretch out after a long day. Studmuffin may have taken it as a moan of pleasure at his mere presence.* "I'm soo tired. This is my 22nd day in a row at work & I need a day off, badly. I'm bone-deep tired, Baby."

JBaby: "Take your shirt off."

Phat Mama: (Mental Response - Mofo, do you have your selective hearing aide in again? Because I know I just said I was exhausted.)

*Okay all you newlyweds, we're going to take a break from the big happenings in my bedroom last night, for this next part. Pay attention. This right here is some really good advice (possibly me talking out of my ass) that you will not see in 'Men Are From Mars But Want In Uranus'.

Your words - I'm too tired.
His translaterion - To give a BJ?

Your words - I have a headache.
His translation - The area between your tits and ass feels okay though, right?

Your words - My jaw hurts.
His translation - Is the Anbesol still in the kids' room? Just numb it up, Baby. Maybe it'll work on your gag reflex too!

Your words - I'm having cramps.
His translation - Let me give you a massage from the inside out.

Okay, so back to me now! I'm stretched out, exhausted and he tells me to take my shirt off. There, caught up.

Being the good wife I am, even whilst calling him names (horndog) silently, I take off my shirt.

JBaby: *blinks, confused* "Ummm, okay, take your nightgown off too."

*I had to run to Wal-Mart earlier and here in the south, we just pull our shirt and pants on over our nightie, k?

Phat Mama: *Taking off the nightie* (Mental Response - if his love pickle is getting happy right now, I'm going to be so pissed. Maybe I can hunch forward and make my boobs look saggy so he doesn't want any of this tonight. Can't he see I'm tired!? Blind fucker.)

JBaby: *pats the bed* "Lay here, on your belly."

Phat Mama: *mutters & rolls over* (Mental Response - I wonder if he'll notice the little nap I take as long as I'm face down, ass up.)

And then.. he gave me a back massage!

Phat Mama: *lots of purr purr noises* (Mental Response - Oh please, don't let him not have an ulterior motive.

JBaby: *Slowly and connivingly moves his hand towards my boob*

Phat Mama: (Mental Response - Damnit, I didn't make them look saggy enough. Now he's going to prod me with his tool of menace.)


Nyxmyst said...

tool of menace? lmao

Philly said...

I like to call it the "One eye Monster"


Maelstrom said...

The curse of being irresistible.

Vodka Mom said...

that horny bastard.

mo.stoneskin said...

What a man...

Girl Interrupted said...

Haha :P

Ps: Does he have a brother who's single and living in the Norfolk area of the UK?

otherworldlyone said...

"Men are from Mars, but want in Uranus"! Oh God, I laughed so hard I cried and fucked up my makeup...bitch.

Tool of

zelzee said...

There is ALWAYS an ulterior motive to a massage............

Phat Mama said...

Nyx - Yes, tool of menace, damnit! That's good writing right there, lol!

Maelstrom - Yeah, I'm kinda cute. lol

Vodka Mom - I know, right! And omg, I can't believe you clicked the follow button, you are the Icon of Blogging! Thank you. :)

mo - Yeah, that's what he says too. lol

GI - No, umm, no Brit family but I'll send him to you as a present for a week or so!

wordlyone - Just make sure the black streaks are wiped off, makeup refreshed before Sex In A Suit stops by! How did that go anyway? I'm agonized with waiting for a post!

Tool of Menace - some of my best stuff thus far, really. ;P

zelzee - I know you get it, girl! lol

Cretin said...

Can you please write a blog about the time you took the laxative and then got caught up with the shits in the dollar store? I remember your chagrin as you said. "The box said 6 to 12 hours, so i figured that I'd shit around hour 9. Who knew it would be exactly at hour 6?" Correctol is NOT your friend.

otherworldlyone said...

It's all there...just for you.

Prunella Jones said...

I like "tool of menace" it's much more descriptive than "turgid manhood" or "throbbing member."

Phat Mama said...

Oyyy Cretin! You have known me for tooo many years to comment here! LOL! You know all of my secrets, most humiliating moments & I can see that you're going to make use of them! Orr.. you can give me new blog material with that steel-trap memory of yours!

worldlyone - I went -straight- over and read your blog as soon as you gave me the word! Loved it, hurry and have another date!

Phat Mama said...

Pru - That's exactly what I was thinking, lol! That turgid word always makes me think of poop for some reason. Eeek.

David L. Dave said...

So... *that's* the key ingredient, huh?

...must learn to give more "massages" to women. Thanks! :P

Anna Lefler said...

You killed me with "tool of menace."


Thanks for visiting my blog, BTW - I really appreciate that!

:^) Anna