I'm Not Sorry I Gagged

A text message woke me bright & early (noon), three days ago and this is what it said: "U hav until 2day 2 pay ur bill trailer trash or we will bingo ur celly." I stumbled out of bed, pulled clothes on over my nightie, jammed feet into flip-flops and dashed to the local 'Turn your change into dollars' machine.

I tried once (five times) to shove the extra large lint ball through while muttering, "Cummon, let me cheat, that's as big a nickle, you asshole."

Then I drove to my federal bailout institution and deposited the money/lint ball.

I called the phone company & pressed '1' for some anal penetration, then '8' for the circle jerk (we sang Kum Bah Yah), then '3' to give them a BJ and because I didn't swallow, I was told to press '8' to go back to the main menu and start over.

After humping Sprint's collective ass to beg forgiveness for the error of my late paying ways, they deigned to put a real, live, breathing customer service rep on the phone so that I could be berated and robbed in person.

I apologized for my hair-trigger gag reflex, paid the bill and hung up after thanking them profusely for the anal penetration.

Today, I logged into my bank account and see that this payment is still pending. Three days later. PENDING.

"We will disconnect your phone if you do not pay today." Fucking liars. I know they just wanted to see how fast the fat ass could get to the bank. I should have pressed '3' and bitten their dick off.