Thursday, June 4, 2009

Phat Mama Goes Home - No More Kegels.

Recently, I had a choice to make.

Mountains or flying.

I've flown before but it was years ago and it's simply not my favorite thing to do. But the alternative was making my kajillion'th trip through both the Smokies & Appalachians. And I'm terrified of heights, traffic, interstates, take offs and landings.

*le fuck* Rock and a hard place.

The reason for this choice & the reason for my long time away from all you fab bloggers?

Our family has moved from North Carolina to back home - Illinois. I either climbed into the UHaul or a Jet - and the hugeness of both modes of transporting my phat ass did not escape my notice.

So which did I choose? Flying. And here's the story:

Big Daddy: (two weeks before departure) "What time are you flying out?"

P. Mama: "10:30 a.m."

Big Daddy: (one week before departure) "What time are you flying out?"

P. Mama: (Um, didn't he already asking this?) "10:30 a.m."

Big Daddy: (6 days before departure) "What time are you flying out?"

P. Mama: (Is 41 too young to have fucking Alzheimers?) "10:30 a.m."

Big Daddy: (4 days before departure) "What time are you flying out, again?"

P. Mama: (Damnit, he DID have a stroke that night at McShitty's when he told me to shut up!) "10:30 a.m."

Big Daddy: (2 days before departure) "So what time does your flight leave?"

P. Mama: (He's doing this to irritate me. He has to be. Sonofabitch.) "10:30 a.m. cripes!"

Big Daddy: (The night before I fly out.) "What time do you fly out in the morning?"

P. Mama: (I'm going to staple the fucking flight itinerary to his forehead.) "10:30 a.m."

Big Daddy: "Well, I'll wake you up at 5 a.m. to get ready."

So, I sat there thinking about his time schedule for a minute.

P. Mama: "If that's supposed to be a smartass remark about how long it takes me to lay flat on the bed, suck in my stomach, say a prayer and then use a pliers to zip my jeans.. it's really shiteous of you and I'm hoping you enjoyed the last BJ I gave you because not only do I feel a month long headache coming on but suddenly, my jaw hurts too - like lockjaw bad - and also, I'm not doing anymore Kegel exercises because I believe that having buff vagina muscles is profane when the rest of my body is a walking advertisement for Waffle House."

Big Daddy: "I wonder if Icy-Hot would work on a sore jaw."

P. Mama: "No."

So, the next morning he wakes me up at 5 a.m. I was so tired from not getting much sleep because of nerves, I didn't even fight it. Just showered, dressed (in lounge pants) and off we went. About half an hour from the airport, he stops at McDonald's for breakfast. We're sitting inside, eating breakfast (I advise the Steak, Egg & Cheese bagle) when he actually says to me:

Big Daddy: "What time does your flight leave?"

I am not even shitting y'all.

P. Mama: (I would stab him with this spork but the F'n thing would break.) "10:30 a.m."

Big Daddy: "Why did you tell me 9:30 a.m. then - you're going to be way too early."

P. Mama: (Dear baby Jesus, please stop me from jumping my fat ass across this table to choke him out - please help me to keep reminding myself that he's a good man that gives me his check every week - please press the Almighty Mute Button so that I don't spew obscenities that involve a lot of F-words at him - please help my jaw to quit hanging so this yummy McD's bagle quits falling out of my gaping mouth. All my love, Amen.)

So there ya have the first of many 'Phat Mama Goes Home' stories. I missed y'all and look forward to catching up on blogs and finishing this saga for everyone!


J.J. in L.A. said...

And you didn't kick his ass right on the spot? You must'v been tired!

I'm glad you're back!

mo.stoneskin said...

Absolutely hilarious. Genius. Good to have you back. More than good, that has made my day.

What time was your flight?

Dominica said...

Glad you're back and I would so give him another BJ but this time, just 30 seconds before your actual move, put a minty (very hot and spicy) breath refresher in your mouth ...
Brainfreeze !! (= that's were men's brain are, right !!??)

Philly said...

So what time did your flight leave?


otherworldlyone said...

So glad you are back!

Comedy Goddess said...

Missed you!

And when you got to the airport your flight was delayed right?

diane said...

Our husbands must be related!
I bet it feels good to be back home. Can't wait to hear your "getting settled in" stories. I would imagine they start something like this:
Your man: "What time do the movers get here?"
Hahaha, good luck with that. xo

Sally-Sal said...

Using a pliers to zip up your jeans...hilarious!

Maelstrom said...

Glad to see you back. :)

Nej said...

Praise you! It's so nice to hear someone else has a darling male in their lives who ask the same questions over and over.

Usually when I do finally say something, he denies ever having asked...or says "no, you just think you told me, but you didn't."

I'm not the only one!!! :-)

Good to hear from you!!!

Mr. Condescending said...

lol @dominica's comment

phat mama, I heard in illinois they don't have your sweet tea!

Cora said...

Welcome back!! Between you, Pru and Raf all going missing at once I was starting to suspect foul play. Foul play involving Zibbs, of course.


Maybe I should go apologize to the good doctor?


Cora said...

Oh! One more thing, when you get a chance there's a bloggy movie rating test over on my blog I would LOVE for YOU to take.

I'm rated NC-17 (FUCK, YEAH!!!!) and so far no-one has matched me. But I'm pretty sure YOU could!!

Christ, it's lonely at the top of Foul Mouth Hill here, Phat Mama, wanna keep me company?!


Denise @ Sunflowers, Chocolate and Little Boys said...

Im new here. Stopping by from June Cleavers. And I have to say that I think I love you. Seriously.

zelzee said...

Glad you're back!

It was always the same way with my husband when I traveled.......I even printed a copy of my itinerary and gave it to hime everyday!!!

Funny how he heard your jaw was sore, though............

june cleaver said...

ahhhhh... I have read this no less than 10 times now and it makes me laugh every time.

I need to laugh-


bluntdelivery said...

oh man... lol. that was hilarious. please know, you are not alone.

but the part about you putting your pants on made me laugh out loud.

Girl Interrupted said...

Haha :P aw, I must admit I like Big Daddy ... well done for not throttling him to death though!

Ps: didn't realise I'd missed so many of your posts!! :/

Paige said...

Every single human being in my life is like that, with the same damn questions over and over again. If they don't have head injuries already, they will when I finally crack on them.

I am so glad to have found your blog--what a hoot!

Suyfun said...

Афффтар ёптыть ни пари бля чужЪ гг :)