Friday, May 15, 2009

Big Daddy Breaking Bad

Big Daddy told me to shut up. SHUT. UP. Did the Fucker fall down & bump his head?!

Oh. By the way. *Caution* P. Mama is pissed, this post may contain excessive use of profanity.

Yes, the love of my life, the man that vowed to worship me like the GODDESS I am, told me to shut up, last night.

We were on my way home from work and stopped at McShitty's to get me a sweet tea. I was telling him all about this woman who was on Oprah for shooting her husband eleven times after suffering years of abuse.

And all of a sudden, out of the wild blue yonder, out of left field, out of his fucking ass, obviously, he thinks that telling me to 'shut up' is a good plan.

Big Daddy - *aggravated voice* "Shut up now & tell me what you want me to order for you."

My head whipped to the side, the look on my face priceless, I'm sure. The look that was a combination of shock and wtf. A look that clearly conveyed - Have you lost your F'N mind?! Did you just have a stroke?! Look at me, quick - is half your face drooping?? Nope, you still look like the dickhead that just told me to SHUT UP.

P. Mama - *cold, going to duct tape your balls in your sleep voice* "Sweet tea. I want tea. Thank you." (Motherfucker.)

So, then, while we're waiting to get the drink, he tries to continue with the Oprah conversation. Like he gives a shit. No.

I made grunting noises and gave monosyllabic answers. He needed to recognize my passive aggressive pissed off. Which he did. It took a minute (to see me flipping him the bird in the dark of the car) but he did. And this is what he said:

Big Daddy - "I'm sorry for telling you to shut up but I needed to know what you wanted and you would have just kept going on and on and on."

Is that his idea of an apology?? FAIL. FAILFAILFAIL!!

P. Mama - "I always get a sweet tea. Every night - just a sweet tea. Was I going to go buck ass wild tonight and order a Big Mac extra value meal, super sized, hold the pickles, extra onions, no lettuce, more tomato, extra salt on the fries so I can have back to back heart attacks because I know I just had the first one when this SOB told me to SHUT UP! oh and two cherry pies for a dollar, please??"

Big Daddy - Silence. (Smart.)

When I woke this morning, he was cuddling me close. I remained aloof. I'm waiting for him to bring me an entire gallon of sweet tea today. If he does, I shall once again think he's the most perfect man in the universe.

27 comments:

Nej said...

Your Big Daddy and my Mot must be related. Long lost brothers? Cousins possibly???? :-)

I love your internal dialog...cracks me up!

otherworldlyone said...

Damn right. Hook up the sweet tea IV.

J.J. in L.A. said...

My man thought it was a good idea to give me the 'talk to the hand' gesture. Then he looked at my face...and gave me a nice, long kiss. The man isn't stupid after all.

Prunella Jones said...

Hmmmm times like this is when it's good to ask yourself What Would Oprah Do or WWOD for short.

It always works for me.

mo.stoneskin said...

But if he starts to talk, tell him to shut his cake hole.

Girl Interrupted said...

omg, woman, you seriously crack me up!! It's times like these that I wish I had a boyfriend, just so I could do the girlie attitude thing :P

Nyxmyst said...

Wow, cranky much? :P

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

Yeah, been there waaay too many times.Men are so stupid sometimes...let's see how he talks to you after a couple of weeks of no nookie...

Cora said...

Ohhh I hope he plays his cards right... and carefully.

Dr Zibbs said...

McShitty's? Please clarify...

Beth said...

Hilarious!

And I love that you can be bought with some sweet tea.

Maelstrom said...

You only got a tude because he just said "shut up". If he'd said, "Shut the fuck up" I bet you'd have acted right.

diane said...

Drink the sweet tea and wait to see if he notices that you have switched all of his shoes. Oh yeah, and don't forget to stick a piece of gum on the bottom of one. Luv ya babe! xo

Tasha said...

"My head whipped to the side, the look on my face priceless"


Bahahahaha! I can JUST see this...mostly because I do it, too. You go with your big, bad, aloof self! Stick to your guns and show that man who's boss! Haha! Funny post.

Mr. Condescending said...

This actually did make me laugh out loud. Did he bring you home more tea?

Divine Chaos said...

Did he come bearing gifts and sacrifices to his Goddess??


he should have ..

the last man that told me to shut up is probably still shitting teeth.
*smiles all sweet and suthun belle-ish*

Smart Mouth Broad said...

Sometimes they just go all Stooooopid! I hope you get your gallon of sweet tea and he gets out of the doghouse.

Minka said...

Maybe when he brings you sweet tea you can say you wanted something else.... if he doesn't ask first... And the apology - many men can't put half this much together. Or simply say "sorry". He must be a gem.

Will it make you feel better if you get a postcard from Europe? Come to my blog and win one. Everybody welcome!

zelzee said...

Starch his underwear.

june cleaver said...

my first husband (who is still my current husband... as of this moment-ask me again tomorrow) loves to tell me to "get a grip"

Wha?

Each time he says it I fantasize about alimony.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

Damn fricken straight Girl!

You are my hero!

honkeie2 said...

ohhhhh this reminds of something I will blog about the time I did this......I almost died that day....

Vodka Mom said...

oh sweet mother of God, I say we kill that son of a bitch.

Champagne and Benzedrine said...

Hysterical!

He was INDEED walking on dangerous ground. You should never provoke beautiful animals - you might get mauled.

Mona Lott said...

I like you.

otherworldlyone said...

Come back!

mellafabulous said...

I found you via the good Doc, and OMG, I've never laughed so hard in my life. I even linked you on my Facebook account, and you're in my Google reader now. :D

Thanks for the laughs!