Monday, June 29, 2009

Chokin' It Down

I know what y'all thought! Pervs, the lot of you & I love you all more than cheesecake!

So, I'm currently choking down the first bottle of this chalky white contrast, for a CT Scan this afternoon. The bottle says it has a pleasant taste. The bottle is fucking lying to me. Straight in my grimacing face - lying.

Why the CT Scan? Well, P. Mama has some issues. (Physical, as well as mental.)

I have some lipomas. Fatty tumors. Balls of fat. Little donuts of fat. (I'm thinking of ways to describe these that make me happy.)

Anyway, I have a couple cake donuts with cute pink sprinkles of fat in my abdomen. I had one before but it was like, hmm.. a big bear claw type of pastry. Big enough that it had to be surgically removed, years ago. Apparently, before the Dunkin Donut Exorcism, it spawned donut holes and now they have grown.

Apparently, my prayer: Dear baby Jesus, please let all of my fat evenly disperse throughout my body so no one part feels cheated. All my love & pudge, P. Mama. - Didn't work.

Today, we're looking to see if these new ones need to be removed. The good news in this 'ass tasting drink/donuts in my bellay' fiasco is that the surgeon - he's hot. Mmmhmm.

P. Mama: (lifts her shirt to show off her lumps, and tits) "Soo, I recently flew and the pilot.. he thought I was dead sexy. What do you think?"

Doctor Do-Me: (feels me up.. I mean feels the lumps) "I think you need a Cat Scan."

P. Mama: "Uh-huh, all the better to see me with."

So, I'm gagging this drink down, all to impress him.. and off I go!

P.S. If any of you return the immense love that I have for you - can you please either make or find a very cute award for me to give out every Sunday to my most fave blog posts of the week.. so I can get that show on the road??



Smart Mouth Broad said...

Good luck with the CT. YUK!

mo.stoneskin said...

I'm looking forward to the next update when you get in trouble for flashing the doctor!

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

If you need follow up examinations there...I could maybe be persuaded to...examine your...abdomen... *shifty-eyed*

Coffee Slut said...

I just stumbled across your blog and coffee shot out my nose I was laughing so hard!
Good luck with Dr Do-Me!

Maelstrom said...

Cheesecake must not be too good where you live.

otherworldlyone said...

Take it from a seasoned doctor seducer...when they say "show me where it hurts"...lie.

Call him Dr. Feel Good and tell him its time for a full on physical.

That's what's up.

Cristi said...

I just started reading your blog a week ago. You are awesome! I am having a CT scan tomorrow and my doctor is not hot. Ugh for white chalky stuff!

Girl Interrupted said...

Thinking of you P Mama ... hope it all goes well with the foxy Doc ... er ... I mean the CT scan :P *hugs*

Dominica said...

I'm giving you the 'Patient McDreamy' tag !!

(I'm now crowning you with a 127 diamond tiara...and royal blue ribbon that has the Patient McDreamy line imprinted in gold on it)
Go girl and tell that doc he's not ready for us so 3008 and he's so 2000-and late ....turn and slap your own booty..)

Divine Chaos said...

good luck with the CT!

you should asked 'em if it was alright to mix chocolate syrup in that .. a little ice cream maybe .. yanno, to go with the donuts ;)

hope it comes out alright!

Phat Mama said...

SMB - Yuk is right & thanks!

mo - I never get in trouble for showing my nakee!

Coffee Slut - Hey there! Welcome to Phat Mama!!

Maelstrom - The cheesecake is delish but y'all are bettah!

worldyone - Taking notes, yes I am! Where is my award, baybay??

Cristi - Welcome to Phat Mama! And thanks for the praise, it makes me smile! :)

GI - It went fine - I'm great, my donuts are great!

Dominica - *turns and slaps my booty for you!*

DC - Mmm, choco syrup - the best topping for a BJ!

J.J. in L.A. said...

Been there, done that re: the chalky stuff. I gagged my way through 1/2, then asked (very sweetly) if I could stop. It actually worked!

Of course, this info comes to late to help you...but keep it in mind for (no, not again!) next time.

Comedy Goddess said...

Sending you lots of good thoughts! Take care!

Sass said...

Sending positive vibes your way, my friend.

And...I posted my award today. ;)

otherworldlyone said...

In my may posts love.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

good luck with the CAT scan, and the, ahem, issues.

Anonymous said...

I'm in luv with you!! *cough* I mean your blog. *blush* So I will have a surprise for you tomorrow. *psst* thats code for please stalk me.

Cora said...

UGH. Medicine men. Why are they so fucking sexy? When I was practically dying in the ER 5 years ago, they sent in a specialist in Neurology who was practically the sexiest man I'd ever seen in my life! I'm laying there bleeding to death in my spinal cord while hoping my hospital gown was more flattering than it felt and wondering what he looked like naked. Damn if that man didn't give me the will to live! :-)

Good luck Phat Mama!

Fragrant Liar said...

Wow, your own personal bakery. I think maybe I should be envious. But I already have an adorable muffin top, so I guess I'll have to be happy with that. It's just, you know, it's not always fulfilling and I dare say it keeps me from getting laid.

Beth said...

I had to drink that chalky shit once before. After I threw up in their precious CT Scan Room, I think I'll get a free pass from here on out. I'd rather be stuck in the eye with a stick!

Hey! I'm a day late and a dollar short (really, more than that) but THANKS FOR THE AWARD!

Anatomy Of A Perfect Stranger said...

Ah, Your blog never ceases to amaze me =] I wish my blog were as entertaining as yours.. stop by when your bored.. or not =] Till the next post!

zelzee said...

Good luck with the drinking thing.......they are awful!!!

I have a hot doc like that, only mine is a proctologist....he only recognizes me if I turn around and bend over.

Denise @ Sunflowers, Chocolate and Little Boys said...

Good luck with your CT and Donuts....and the hot doctor. YUM!

Jocelyn said...

Damn. That was such a good little prayer, too. Shows God isn't listening, right? Isn't that the ultimate point here?

Oh, okay. Hey, I just posted last week about my pal Pammy who had to drink that junk; she lost six pounds in one day, and that was The Awesome (in the midst of The Suck).

diane said...

I left some words a genius when you first posted this, but I don't know what happened to them.
My thoughts are with you sweetie, and I hope that you're o.k. xo

Soda and Candy said...

I got a hot male doctor one time when I got a UTI.

"Uh yeah, Doctor McHotness, it burns when I pee."

He probably thought I was pretty sexy, right?

Ender said...

There's something inspiring about Rubinesque women. What good is skin and bones? If I wanted to hug a hat rack, I would have married one.

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otherworldlyone said...

Where'd you go? Hope all is well!

Vodka Mom said...

I was sending you good thoughts, and then China got in the way.

damn him. Did Suzy send him over? They're having an affair.

Anonymous said...

Come back!!!!

diane said...

I hope you're o.k.
You haven't posted in a while but you still got Chinese spam, cool.

Anonymous said...

Hey, why don't you start posting again?


Vodka Mom said...

Good luck......

oh, and I see my best friend CHinese Ed stopped by. Glad to see you don't discriminate.


Sass said...

Have you on my mind today...

Hoping all is well.

You could...send me an update, if you'd like. ;)

diane said...

Some of us in blogville are concerned and worried. Rumors are starting to fly, like you got kidnapped by the circus and stuff like that.
Are you o.k.?

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