Wednesday, June 10, 2009

I Wonder If The Pilot Knows My Butt Is Puckered?

After Big Daddy had a mental shit re what time my flight left, it was time to finish breakfast and head to the airport. Once there, of course we had to walk completely through the airport to get to my ticket area. At the end. In the basement. BumfuckEgypt. Half way through the walk, he looks down at my cute little face and says, "You need to quit stressing."

Was this said in a compassionate, 'I know you're terrified of flying, my poor beloved' voice?

Hell no it was not.

It was said in his Clint Eastwood 'toughen up, you pussy' voice.

So, I canted my head up at him, arched a brow and responded, "Why do you think I'm stressing?"

Big Daddy: "Because you're breathing hard."

Phat Mama: "I'm stressing because I'm breathing hard?? It couldn't be because you had to park out in the back 40 and sprint through this motherfucker, Bruce Jenner? It couldn't be that one of your strides equals three of mine? It couldn't be that I have a big, luscious, spectacular ass (if I do say so myself, and I DO) in case you havn't noticed since the last time you wanted to mount up doggie and girls with big butts don't run anywhere.. it's against the fat ass religion. I'm not stressing, I'm waiting to have a McHeartAttack!"

Big Daddy: "Look, we're at your boarding gate and there's a bench. I'll sit with you until you quit stressing."

P. Mama: (Too bad tazers aren't allowed in airports.)

So, it was time for me to go, alone, back to the boarding area. With a kiss and a tight hug (choke), off I went. And there I sat, for two hours. Because.. I WAS EARLY. I talked to everyone that came and sat, waiting for our flight. I wanted to know who I was going to crash with. On a first name basis. So I could be polite when I screamed, "You go through the escape exit first, Bubba.. you're fatter than I am so you'll make a cushy landing for me."

And I was hoping, fingers crossed, that I didn't sit beside anyone with a baby. I didn't want to chance any of those irritating heroic feelings creeping up on me if it came down to me or the kid.

Finally, we were called to board the super huge jet that looked like big death on little wheels. And of course, someone in front of me has to stop and stow their carry on cow in the overhead.

And while waiting, I just happened to stop right in front of the open cabin door where the pilot stood greeting people. Mayhap he noticed my peering around him into the teeny place full of NASA instruments. Or maybe he noticed the look on my face that suggested full on anal-puckering. Either way, he asked how I was doing, to which I replied, "Terrified."

Pilot: "First time flying?"

P. Mama: "No, but it was years ago."

Pilot: (winks) "I promise to get you there safely."

P. Mama: "Was the winking to signify flirting or that safe is a big freakin' joke?"

Pilot: (laughs) "You're beautiful."

P. Mama: (blushes, possibly preens) "It's the chubby face - it makes me look younger. That's why I stay fat - wrinkles or chub, guess which wins my vain war?"

Pilot: (laughs) "Beautiful and funny. I like curvy women."

P. Mama: "So does my husband. He told me to shut up recently. Pilots make good money, right?"

And the line starts to move because Passenger 57 finally got his fucking heifer stowed away safely. So I start walking towards my seat. The pilot calls after me, "Where are you going?"

P. Mama: "Milwaukee."

Pilot: "What's your name?"

(By this time, everyone is watching the exchange - you know, all those people that I talked to so I knew who I was dying with.)

P. Mama: "Jody."

Pilot: "Well Jody pretty girl, I promise to get you safely to Atlanta."

I smiled and climbed into my seat, ass backwards, struggled for ten minutes with the seat belt that Paris Hilton couldn't fit into while looking over the shelf I call my boobs and finally settled, we prepare for take off.

Pilot: (over the intercom) "I'd like to welcome everyone today to Flight #6969 headed for Atlanta and a special welcome to Jody, whose going to Milwaukee and is nervous. It'll be just fine, Jody."

Humiliation. Head buried in the puke bag to hide from all the stares. Dear Almighty, why did I talk to these people? Anonymous carnage is really just fine.

P.S. If you get me there safely, God.. I'll quit smoking.

And then I looked to my left. At the woman sitting next to me with a precious baby boy on her lap.

Shitdamnfuck, I'm going to have to save the kid. I need a Marlboro.


diane said...

I love you.
Flirting with the pilot. Haha. My kind of girl.

Cora said...

Ha ha ha! Hey, I just flew to Chicago and the damn pilot didn't flirt with me. The bastard.

Violet said...

I just found you recently - you rock, girlie!

Man, where do I find a pilot who likes curvy girls??

J.J. in L.A. said...

Too funny! I've flown a good dozen times (at least) and never got that much attention.

Btw, the name is spelled 'Jodi'. Well, that's what they put on my birth certificate. ; )

for a different kind of girl said...

Ha! I think this is what's called some damn fine customer service!

mo.stoneskin said...

"Passenger 57 finally got his fucking heifer stowed away safely"

You make me laugh!

june cleaver said...

It is 2 am and I can't sleep (because that is the way I f-ing roll)and so I came to see what you were up to and laughed so hard that now I am exhausted.

You are a insomniac's best friend.

Dominica said...

LOL Why do we never get any pilots like that ? No, instead, I get 3765 female flight assistants flirting with MY husband cause his wife is in a coma next to him (I ain't gettin on no plain, fool = my last words before the sleeping tablet hits my brain)
And indeed - I hate all people sitting next to me on a plain, they ALWAYS want something special or extra and then they bother me while I'm trying to get into my coma.
I have to fly in a couple of months too and just before it's my turn in the Big Death on wheels, there's always a disaster happening somewhere (like the Air France plane that came from Brazil last week, God knows how many times I have flown Air France, creeps)
I have to admit, sitting on a plane, is the only moment I start to pray and promise a lot of things..., I'm desperate sitting locked in there !
Well, glad you to hear you made it safely !!

Phat Mama said...

diane - love you too!

Cora - They should -all- flirt with you, you're hotsexy!

Violet - Welcome to Phat Mama! So glad you found me and umm, AirTran=pilots who love female curvy.

J.J. - I wish mine were spelt Jodi, that is the female spelling - mine is the male spelling, booo!

FADKIG - I know, right! :)

Awww mo.stoneskin, thanks! You make me laugh too!

June - I have insomnia too, always awake at 2 a.m., reading blogs, cracking up (often times, at yours, love you) so I'm glad I could return the favor!

Dominica - LOL! Too funny! I took sleeping meds too and got five minutes of nap, drool trickling from my lower lip, etc. So glad I have someone who relates to the terror of flying!

otherworldlyone said...


Pilot is on my conquest list. But they're like mythical creatures... either really effing old, or no where to be found. And look at you! Getting hit on by one. Fucker.

Denise @ Sunflowers, Chocolate and Little Boys said...

I think I have told you this before but I seriously love you. You crack me up and I really need that sometimes. Thanks!

Nej said...

There are so many good things about this post, I have no idea where to start!!! Loved it!!!

Bruce Jenner, carry-on cattle, and the dilemmas of saving babies over yourself. Priceless!

J.J. in L.A. said...

Haha! You gave your real name??? I thought you did what a friend and I did when hit on at a taco stand. I gave her name as mine, and she gave mine as hers.

Nyxmyst said...

lmao. cute. very cute. now fly to Vegas :P

btw new bloggy:

Cretin said...


I'm a pilot and phat mama knows the digits :)


otherworldlyone said...

Well then, that's exciting isn't it! A live one.

Now, questions in order of relevancy: 1) What size is your plane? 2) Whistles what? The come hither whistle? The Andy Griffin whistle?

Cretin said...

All things relevant:

1. Sadly it's larger than my tool.
2. Only a disobedient girl would ask what sort of whistle a *whistle* is.
3. Do you have a blog?

otherworldlyone said...

1. Sad indeed.
2. That's exactly what I am, sir.
3. Of course. Calling People Names. Though not as lovely as Phat Mama's.

Cretin said...

1. Who doesn't allow anonymous comments?

2. Fix that shit.

otherworldlyone said...

That looks like an order...and we've already established that I'm disobedient.

I don't allow anonymous comments because I like to know who to go after should they be rude or uncomplimentary.

Soda and Candy said...

Hi PhatMama. I have been terribly remiss in not visiting you before now!

What an awesome post, was the pilot cute? If not, well, I'm sure the uniform helps. I always get hit on by psychopaths and toothless hoboes so I'm quite jealous anyway.

zelzee said...

Of course he is going to get you there safe.......he was looking forward to seeing more of P.M. than her cute little face!

Men are pigs (That's why I love them!)

Divine Chaos said...

"P. Mama: "So does my husband. He told me to shut up recently. Pilots make good money, right?"

poor poor hubby .. you know he is hoping you'll forget about that :p

I know you won't, though. lol

Girl Interrupted said...

lol your posts make me smile :) <----- see?

And of course he was flirting with you! Who wouldn't? You're adorable x

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