Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Orange, Hairy, Arrested - Tool.

Dear Hugh,

I have been in (whorish lust) love with you ever since I watched the movie, "Something About You" with Ashley Judd. The moment I saw you in those boxer briefs, I knew we were meant to be, Hugh. Your smartass humor in the film and obvious intelligence only sweetened the deal your (huge package) smile promised me. And only me.

However, I must write to express a concern. I watched you on Oprah Live, last Friday & noticed something startling, Hugh. You glowed. Like a pumpkin on Halloween. You were orange, Hugh. The picture I've included doesn't really show just -how- orange, but I wanted to call you my sweet potata.

Wolverine cannot be orange, Hugh. You are naked and almost full monty in the film, or so I hear. You need to be a color not found in a box of Crayola. Please quit taking the dickhole advice of your minions when they tell you that a spray tan is where it's at. Tell them that you're the sexiest man alive and to shut their man pleaser, Hugh. For the sake of my happiness & because it will be stipulated in the prenup, I must insist you always look like this:

P.S. You can keep the Wolverine facial hair - I like a lil tickle on my thighs.

All my love,

Your future alimony payment

Dear Kid,

You're not really that handsome. It's just that you're so naughty. So delightfully filthy. Shamelessly trailer trash. You look like the best all night ride at the rodeo. Yeehaw, giddy-up Mr. Cock!!

But please quit getting arrested at Waffle House, Kid. Your mug shots are taking the big poo on my pornofantasies.


P. Mama, Yo.

Dear Viggo,

I confess to not loving you enough to watch that flop trilogy you did with the hobbits. However, you deserve an award (Oscar) for having the 'balls' to do this film not only completely naked but.. limp. You're a star, Viggo. You could have demanded a fluffer. You could have also demanded someone (dreadlock) trim that Amazon bush down yonder.

P.S. Call me when you've got that (weed whacked) managed.


Loved your Dom/Sadistic self in G.I. Jane.


Sass said...

My Kid Rock fantasy will not go away. He is so filthy...so dirty...so freaking greasy-sexy...

I'm done.


Marinka said...

So sad when they turn unseasonably orange.

Sally-Sal said...

He was so darkly orange, he was close to being the same shade as Oprah.

erin said...

Did you see Viggo in that Russian mob movie? Shit! What was that called? That guy has no problem being nude and in that movie he was in a nude fight scene...a horribly violent bloody nude fight scene!

Divine Chaos said...

omg .. "flop trilogy" ?!?!?! I'm not sure we can be friends anymore PMama .. that was a kickass trilogy, I lurved it lots! not because of viggo, he's a tool .. but it was still fantastic .. sheesh woman.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Maybe Hugh is preparing to try out for the part of Mervyn Pumpkinhead in the Sandman movies.

Phat Mama said...

Sorry Y'all - that movie was actually - Someone Like You. Hugh & Ashley Judd. Rent it, you'll love it!

And I'm an ass for forgetting the title of one of my fave movies of all time!

But Hugh's orange skin did it!

J.J. in L.A. said...

I'm sorry, but I just don't get the fascination with Kid Rock. He is one ugly-@$$ man!

diane said...

I've got a little thing going for Hugh too, ever since I saw him in Kate and Leopold. I've got a huge thing for Brendan Fraser, not in his mummy movies though. I loved him in Still Sleeping. Yummy with a spoon.

Vodka Mom said...

Step away from Hugh.

He's mine.

otherworldlyone said...

Re Hugh: I don't care if the bastard sprays his ass with pink and purple stripes...I'd still let him bone me.

I can honestly say, though a chronic lover of the bad boy, I think Kid Rock looks like a walking advertisement for STD's.

Viggo...I just want to put cute little barrettes in your hair.

Nyxmyst said...

1) How can you not like LotR? You have NO taste. Yeesh.

2) I'd fuck him even if he was orange. Hell, I'd fuck him if he were painted blue and wearing a smurf hat.

mmmm smurfs :P

Phat Mama said...

Sass - Nor will mine. He's filthy, I love it. But those mug shots, damn!

Marinka - Always love to see my fave NYC Mom stop by!

Sally-Sal - You get it, thank you!

erin - No, but I've heard about it and am going to rent it soon!

Divine - I'm sorry, LoTR makes me want to kick someone's ass because I'm so bored.

mjenks - LOL

J.J. - He is, he really is - but like Steven Tyler of Aerosmith, he's so ugly he's hot!

Diane - Yummy with a spoon, lol, love that!

VM - Damn I don't want to mud wrestle over Hugh with you - you're my bloggy hero!

wordlyone - Seriously, Hugh could be pussy pink with polka dots and I would love/lust/lick him forever and eva. But I just want him to always look his very best - which is not prison-issue orange!

Bawettabawdabangdabangnowyou'vegotit -- LOL!!

Nyx - Jake once told me that LoTR reminded him of Gor. Maybe that's why I run away from watching it. lol

Hugh - See comment to worldlyone. ;P

zelzee said...

I love orange......

But not on my men.

Well, maybe Hugh can be orange....

FrugalcosIhave2 said...

hey!! why did you put that little blank thing over Viggo's menace?
What movie is that anyway where he is all nekkie?
I lurve him.

mo.stoneskin said...

I think Hugh's orange juice diet is starting to have undesired side-effects.

honkeie2 said...

Holy Man Crush Batman....Hugh has mucles I want, Kid is just so raunchy he is cool..and Viggo....well he is just Viggo!