Thursday, May 14, 2009

One Ass Cheek Is Higher Than The Other

I woke late, yesterday morning and was frantically trying to get ready for work. Finally ready, I sprinted (lazily shuffled while picking out my eye boogers) into the living room, slammed my feet into flip-flops and headed for the door. It was then that I noticed one foot seemed.. wrong. But with a backpack (laptop) on my shoulder, a huge homeless woman purse on the other shoulder, I didn't bother to look down.

I thought to myself - I must have stepped on gum and it's making this flop feel wrong - and off I went!

Because I'm an incredibly nice caregiver (too lazy to cook), I stopped at the grocery store to pick up a rotisserie chicken & slaw for lunch. I started noticing that quite a few people were staring at my feet. How rude! And yet, even that didn't make me look down.

See y'all, I had both big toenails removed, years ago. Ingrown toenails are a hurty bitch. And while in surgery, they found bone curvature so whacked off about 1/4 an inch from each big toe. I've had years of people staring at my feet/toes. I barely notice this anymore. And yes, I am redneck enough to still wear flip-flops and sandals to show off the weird of my toes. Sometimes, I even have my daughter paint a little pink 'nail' on the skin to match the rest of my polished toes. :)

But back to the Flip-Flop Disaster of '09.

I started giving these staring people looks back. The -glare-. You know the one, Mama's. The glare you use on your breaking bad kids. The one that says - "If I have to pause my blogging & come up offa this chair, someone is gettin' an ass whoopin'."

Or the glare that says to the much prettier, sexier, thinner single woman checking out your husband for a bit too long - "I will cut you, hooker."

So, they're staring, I'm glaring and finally, I make my way to the check out. Where a teenaged boy is waiting to pay, too. A teenaged boy whose face looks like acupuncture gone wrong, he has so many piercings. His F'n earlobe is hanging lower than my boobs do because he has a spinner tire rim wedged into it.

And he is staring, fixated even, on my feet. I begin to have a heated, silent conversation with myself.

*this little shit wants to even glance at my poor, ugly toes and look disgusted?? This here was involuntary body modification, unlike that booger crusted tin skewered through your nose, heathen. Didn't his Mama teach him that staring is rude?? I should take my flip-flop off and smack him in the back of the head. Does this kid have a foot fetish, I wonder? I've heard about people like that..*

Finally unable to stand it a second longer, I hissed through clenched teeth, "WHAT are you staring at?!"

And he drawled, "Mayumm, you have two different flip-flops on."


A look down (finally) assured me that yes, I had one white, dressy flip flop with a wedge heel and one brown, everyday hillbilly on.

Here people.. was the reason why there was a hitch in my giddy-up. The reason why one of my ass cheeks was higher than the other. And WHY people were staring at my fucking feet!

I quickly hid my utter humiliation and leveled pierced boy with a snotty look before replying, "Obviously you didn't see the HUGE layout in Rolling Stone where Beyonce/Bono/Lil' Wayne/AND OPRAH were wearing their flip-flops just like this!

And then I stalked (gimped) off, leaving the chicken and slaw behind.

Later on last night, once home from work, I told the story to Big Daddy. He said, "Didn't you realize that one had a heel before you even left the house??"

Me - Ummm, I thought I might have stepped on some gum and that was making it feel weird.

Big Daddy - Sooo.. even thinking you had a big wad of Bubbalicious stuck to the bottom of your flip-flop, you still walked -across- the carpet to leave, like.. 'No problem, I'm P. Mama & I can work this shit!"??

Me - *flashes a sweet smile & thrusts her boobs out some because it can't hurt* Exactly!

Big Daddy - *glares* You know the one, Guys. The glare that silently says - How bad would I miss my Harley if she gets it in the divorce?

Me - You would miss it -real- bad, Mofo. Don't even think about it. Now please, rub the foot that had the flip-flop with a heel on it.


Shawn said...

I saw that layout in Rolling Stone and I bet you totally rocked that look!

mo.stoneskin said...

Love the term "gimped off". Let us know if you mix up the flip-flops again...

otherworldlyone said...

Oh god! "I will cut you, hooker!"

I have to go pee now.

Nej said...

This takes wearing two different colored shoes to a whole new level...literally. :-)

Lostinspace said...

"Acupuncture gone wrong", I can see it now, I'm wiping tears of laughter.

Prunella Jones said...


Ah well, you handled it just right. Well done, babe!

Prunella Jones said...

Oh, and I'm sorry I didn't get to wish you a happy mom's day. Hope it was good.

J.J. in L.A. said...

Yes, there are foot fetishists out there. One guy wanted to see my feet (with socks) on my web cam. That's why I don't IM anymore.

Cora said...

I once did grocery shopping after serving my baby lunch. People were giving me weird looks too, the bastards. It wasn't until I got home that I realized I had a bright red ravioli baby handprint on my face! Grrrr.

Nyxmyst said...

Wow, I dunno if I can handle being seen with you in public..

Youre banned from bringing redneck flipflops to Vegas with ya, babes.

Banned I say!

Philly said...

I so want to be your BF.


Comedy Goddess said...

At least you had flip flops on and not your bedroom slippers.

Girl Interrupted said...

I never knew flip-flops could be such a huge source of entertainment until I started reading your blog!

:) xx

zelzee said...

You will make a fashion statement one way or another!!
Leave it to you..............

diane said...

I love that your partially blamed Beyonce, good move! You are one funny story teller, lady. xo

Vodka Mom said...

omg that was hysterical!

I love it.

Champagne and Benzedrine said...

Ha ha! What a HYSTERICAL story! That's brilliant!

This is why people should only be allowed to own one pair of flip-flops. I'm sending my wife to this post the next time she mentions buying a new pair:

"It could be you with one asscheek higher than the other, darling. Put those blue thong sandals DOWN."

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

Hilarious!! I've not done that with flip flops, but I've sure done it with winter boots!

Maelstrom said...

I wore a brown belt with black pants once. When I found out I took it off and pretended I just forgot to wear a belt that day.

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