Sunday, May 3, 2009

Trailer Trash Crib

I was perusing blogs this morning and came upon one that featured pictures of blogger's who had created the 'dream' nursery for their babies. Chandeliers, silk drapes, four inch pile white carpet.

The problem is that I instantly felt inferior as I looked at those -GORGEOUS- pictures. Why inferior? Because I was transported back 20 years to my own kid's nurseries.

No antique rocker passed down from kin that rowed over on the Mayflower.

I wedged my fat ass onto the seat of the plastic horse, held on to the handle sticking out the side of its head, planted the baby on a knee, clamped my lips together to hold the Marlboro tight and we took off at a gallop!

*Caution: These suckers are spring loaded. If you have a big ass and rock too fast, you -will- do a header over the handlebars and crush your ciggie between your face and the floor.

And those custom painted cribs?! Hand made stencils, carefully cut out, swirls of baby-safe paint mixed on a palette with mink-hair brushes.

I totally missed the Mama Picasso classes held next door to the Lamaze classes I didn't give a shit about. "Uhh yeah.. I'ma big girl, I've been doing that 'hoo hoo hee' breathing for a while now, thanks. Like on my once a year jog. Now quit trying to hand me more natural child birth literature, crazy bitch. I'm all for the Morphine/Quaalude/Xanax/Jack Daniels cocktail to get through this vajayjay nightmare."

But back to nurseries!

When my daughter was a baby, I bought a crib at a garage sale, hitched her to my hip and spray painted it & her hair a lovely shade of Pepto-pink. Then I stuck some Scratch & Sniff stickers all over it (not only pretty but fun too!) and called it a day.

And keeping with the 'I turned into an artist the moment I was inseminated' theme of these nurseries - trees painted on the walls? Really? Done in silvers and taupes, dreamy abstracts of a tree.. what the fuck, Monet! You're making those -other- Moms feel inferior. You know.. The ones that consider their toddler's room a beautiful place when they keep the finger-painted doody off the walls.

Nicely organized changing tables? Everything in those cute little wicker baskets? How about somewhere to put my bottle of wine when I had to dig around in the twenty baskets of unfolded clothes for a onesie and a matching sock? My 'elegant' contribution to the nursery? Strawberry Hill - $2.99 a bottle, stuck in the cup holder screwed into the ass end of the rocking horse.


Girl Interrupted said...

Hahaha :P ... finger-painted doody pics are all the rage in the Tate Modern nowadays

Minka said...

Dream nurseries show the love of the parents for their babies. And yet, the love is not in things and if you don't make a dream nursery, you show it otherwise.

My first baby slept in the same room we did (in our 36 square meter flat), the second too, then we got a bigger flat and they got a room they still share today. No feelings hurt, though...

And YES, I LOVE them!

Minka said...

Thanks for stopping by and joining - welcome!

Vodka Mom said...

My kids nurseries? One crib handed down THREE times- mismatched sheets and shit, and dressers from the Goodwill or good friends.

they are seemingly happy and well adjusted nonetheless.

go figure.

Philly said...

Love this post!! I did have a new crib, but I drank coffee , ate tuna fish, drank diet soda and occasionally had a cocktail while I was prego.

Beth said...

I gave away the crib when my oldest was a year old. He wouldn't sleep in the damn thing and I couldn't take it taunting me another minute.

The decorations in the room don't make the childhood.

Shawn said...

THIS is why I love ya Phat.

White trash mamas UNITE!

Woohoo! Now where's my damn drink?

Stephanie said...

When I was pregnant with my son I spent months picking out designer decor, debating over paint colors, and generally pissing everybody off with my ridiculous obsession with perfecting the nursery (mainly because I was making everyone else do all the work. Because I'm lazy like that). And then when I was pregnant with my daughter I planned on doing it again until I was hospitalized for FREAKING EVER until she was born for all sorts of crappy complications so her room still isn't done. And I figured out that her room? Really isn't all that important. It'll wait.

Great post;)

for a different kind of girl said...

My kids are currently sleeping in the beds I grew up with in my bedroom as a kid. They're by no means antique. They're just a sign that I am hella cheap!

diane said...

My son climbed out of the crib when he was a year old, and did a header onto the stone floor. He was totally fine. True story.
I stuck up stickie planets around my grand daughter's crib; they clash with the paintings, but who the f*ck cares. I love wine, wish I had some right now.

otherworldlyone said...

"I'm all for the Morphine/Quaalude/Xanax/Jack Daniels cocktail to get through this vajayjay nightmare."

Did you ever know that you're my hero?

zelzee said...

I was lucky I even had a separate room for the babies when we were first married.......
Everything matchy, matchy?
Get real!

Julie said...

I think I love you. LOL

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Psssssh. Silver and taupe trees? Christ, are they trying to get their kids beat up in school?

What colors are leaves, kids?

My mommy taught me that they can be whatever color we imagine.

*cue Nelson Muntz*

*punch* Say green, pansy, or I beat the artsy-fartsy right out of you.

My mommy taught me that hitting is wrong!

*punch* Ha ha!

Phat Mama said...

GI - Doody is bad. Never art.

Minka - Thanks for your thoughts!

VM - Mine are well adjusted too, hard to believe, I know!

Philly - I turned 21 while preggers with our son. I had a beer & promised I'd be right there with him at the family AA night, someday in the distant future.

Beth - LOL@taunting! And no, things definitely do not a happy childhood make.

*pours Shawn a glass of wine from the bottle of Strawberry Hill. Cheers!

Stephanie - I've been following along with your blog, the hardship you have gone through to bring her into the world. Hugss. You're strength is amazing.

different kind of girl - Love you, love your blog, (may have mentioned that a time or twenty), love being hella cheap, love garage sales and fight that F'n ticket, girl!

*shares her wine with Diane too and once we're all drunk, lays on the floor with her fave girls to watch the stickie planets move all by themselves.

worldlyone - No, you're mine! I'm having vicarious sex with THE SUIT through you! Tell him his tongue is magic!

zelzee - I hear ya.. both the kids slept with us when we were married. In the King sized waterbed. That shows how flippin' old I really am.

Julie - I love you too! Your blog rocks! And might I say that you are doing a fine job with the starting over - with class and humor, the only way to go. :)

mjenks - Yay, glad to see you here! Your sense of humor slays me - I love going over to your blog, especially when I desperately need a laugh. You're always good for it! Hope you follow along here at Phat Mama too!

Prunella Jones said...

I don't see the point of having a fancy nursery with chandeliers and such. Won't the kid just yak all over the place anyway?

Sarah said...

I for one LOVE the scratch and sniff idea!! Genius!

Phat Mama said...

Pru - I know, right! Yak or shit, either end, they're going to ruin all the pretty!

Sarah - Many a happy hour, sitting in the crib with my darling bitchy, both of us scratching snickers and pressing our faces up to sniff Scooper Dooper chocolate! Not the doody kind either!

And thanks for coming by, hope you stay awhile!

Divine Chaos said...

*giggles* i had a loverly nursery for my daughter .. second (fifth) hand crib, mismatched winnie the pooh, mickey mouse and care bear stuff, a changing table that had a tub in it (which we found at a yard sale) ... and my daughter used it maybe once when she was 9 months old, she slept with me until she was over a year old .. then got a toddler bed, which she also didn't use .. and slept with me until she was 3 *grins*

and she's all well adjusted and normal and stuff. Well, except for the fact that she says she wants to get a dog and name it Ryuuutarunga Argakongotangaflurgle.

yeah, that was kinda not normal -- i'm pretty sure it was the mismatched sheets ... or maybe the smoking and drinking diet soda. but most likely the sheets.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

I came over here from Zibsy's place.

I love your take on the baby nurseries! Life's not all about cutglass chandeliers and fancy crap. Without love and family-you end up with a bunch of useless shit.

Rock on Phat Mama!

erin said...

Wow. And strawberry hill boone's farm was our drink of choice for years and years. That and orange cream mad dog.

mo.stoneskin said...

I don't remember ever having wine in my nursery. I could be wrong but it was mostly milk.

Phat Mama said...

mo.. I was secretly taking a swig now and then. Would it make it better if I put a nipple on the bottle?

erin - never had that orange cream stuff but it sounds delish!

Candy - Welcome to Phat Mama! I love Zibbs too, he rocks! And right on with the buncha useless shit! lol

Divine - Hey honey, glad to see you here. :) Yeah, our kids still pile into bed with us to hang out, chatter. And they're 18 and 17. I don't know if that's weird or somehow pretty cool that they don't hate us.

honkeie2 said...

I wanted my kids to have a nursery that looked like the one from the movie Adam's Family but the wife was hearing none of it. But she did let me make a mobile made of kitchen knives though!