I was perusing blogs this morning and came upon one that featured pictures of blogger's who had created the 'dream' nursery for their babies. Chandeliers, silk drapes, four inch pile white carpet.
The problem is that I instantly felt inferior as I looked at those -GORGEOUS- pictures. Why inferior? Because I was transported back 20 years to my own kid's nurseries.
No antique rocker passed down from kin that rowed over on the Mayflower.
I wedged my fat ass onto the seat of the plastic horse, held on to the handle sticking out the side of its head, planted the baby on a knee, clamped my lips together to hold the Marlboro tight and we took off at a gallop!
*Caution: These suckers are spring loaded. If you have a big ass and rock too fast, you -will- do a header over the handlebars and crush your ciggie between your face and the floor.
And those custom painted cribs?! Hand made stencils, carefully cut out, swirls of baby-safe paint mixed on a palette with mink-hair brushes.
I totally missed the Mama Picasso classes held next door to the Lamaze classes I didn't give a shit about. "Uhh yeah.. I'ma big girl, I've been doing that 'hoo hoo hee' breathing for a while now, thanks. Like on my once a year jog. Now quit trying to hand me more natural child birth literature, crazy bitch. I'm all for the Morphine/Quaalude/Xanax/Jack Daniels cocktail to get through this vajayjay nightmare."
But back to nurseries!
When my daughter was a baby, I bought a crib at a garage sale, hitched her to my hip and spray painted it & her hair a lovely shade of Pepto-pink. Then I stuck some Scratch & Sniff stickers all over it (not only pretty but fun too!) and called it a day.
And keeping with the 'I turned into an artist the moment I was inseminated' theme of these nurseries - trees painted on the walls? Really? Done in silvers and taupes, dreamy abstracts of a tree.. what the fuck, Monet! You're making those -other- Moms feel inferior. You know.. The ones that consider their toddler's room a beautiful place when they keep the finger-painted doody off the walls.
Nicely organized changing tables? Everything in those cute little wicker baskets? How about somewhere to put my bottle of wine when I had to dig around in the twenty baskets of unfolded clothes for a onesie and a matching sock? My 'elegant' contribution to the nursery? Strawberry Hill - $2.99 a bottle, stuck in the cup holder screwed into the ass end of the rocking horse.
...and in the end
4 years ago