I was suprised yesterday with a couple of comments I got on the MeMe's post. I had mentioned one of the things I love is the velvet bag of my dog's ashes. I know that having your dog cremated is not sooo.. usual. Or at least I thought I knew that. Maybe I was wrong.
I've mentioned to people since it happened that we had her cremated & got the 'weird looks' from them, too.
But those comments got me to thinking. And thinking about that is not something I allow myself to do often. I've never lost anyone I love. The closest I came was watching Big Daddy go through the loss of his Dad. And when our son was critically ill for a very long time, having to come to grips with the possibility of losing him. But we didn't. God is good.
So when it came time to put our dog down - I was wrecked. Does that seem melodramatic? I don't know. I just know that I miss her still, every day.
What made her so special? She was my Dad's dog - he got her as a puppy from his neighbors. A wolf had gotten into the family pet's pen and bred their Chow Chow before they could run the wild animal off. And when our son was very ill, my Dad moved 2,000 miles to be with us, to help his only daughter through the worst time in her life.
The night he got to our house, this scary looking dog walked in with him, went to our son who was drugged on pain killers, sleeping on the couch. She sniffed him from his face to his toes and back up & then laid down next to the couch. She would not leave him from that point on - except to go to the bathroom & eat.
I believe, to this day, that she knew how ill he was & thought she was his Momma.
Over the years, he and I were here favorites. She loved Big Daddy & darling bitchy bitch - but it was obvious to everyone that the boy & I were everything to her. The adoration of us could be seen in her eyes and silly, loving smile as she looked at us.
The day we put her down because she was old, because she had cancer - my son & I took her in to the vet. I held her head to my chest while Colton slowly petted her back. And then in just one moment, she was gone.
I wrote about her, the night before we had her put down, and then a few days later. I'd like to share that now.
This was the blog post I did (elsewhere) the night before:
To preface this blog post, I will say that.. I'm going to sound like a crazy person. I know this, aware of it & I don't care. But for the animal lovers out there, I will sound completely sane.
I should be asleep right now. I have to wake up early in the morning, but I cannot sleep. Not yet.
In seven hours, I will be standing in the vet's office, with my son and the dog we both love so much. We will both hug her close, kiss her face, tell her how very loved she is while she is being put down.
She is a dog. A pet. Not human. But she is family.
She is unconditional love and dedication.
She is this huge puff ball of fur that keeps my toes warm when she curls at my feet. She is the licorice eater.
She is my protector at night when I'm afraid of the dark. She is the lick on the tip of my nose that says without words - I love you too.
She is my shadow, wherever I go. No matter how many times I move my fat ass, she never fails to wake up & follow.
She is the silly smile face & the wiggly one in the grass, scratching her back.
She is the one that sat with me for hours, days and months, watching over my son. She's the paw in my hand when I say.. Friends?
She cannot hug me but when I hug her, I feel better, no matter what's wrong.
She is my Katie, my grizzly bear, my baby. And I am heartbroken beyond words to say goodbye to her.
I'm 38 years old & I've never lost someone I love.
Until my dog.
Three days later, I tried to do a blog post about how I felt afterwards. I couldn't even type, I was sobbing so hard.
So while I have cried during this post, it's not as bad as then. Maybe I finally am getting to that place where I can remember her without it hurting my heart so very much.
Thank y'all for taking the time to read this while I shared a few moments with her.
...and in the end
5 years ago