I've mentioned to people since it happened that we had her cremated & got the 'weird looks' from them, too.
But those comments got me to thinking. And thinking about that is not something I allow myself to do often. I've never lost anyone I love. The closest I came was watching Big Daddy go through the loss of his Dad. And when our son was critically ill for a very long time, having to come to grips with the possibility of losing him. But we didn't. God is good.
So when it came time to put our dog down - I was wrecked. Does that seem melodramatic? I don't know. I just know that I miss her still, every day.
What made her so special? She was my Dad's dog - he got her as a puppy from his neighbors. A wolf had gotten into the family pet's pen and bred their Chow Chow before they could run the wild animal off. And when our son was very ill, my Dad moved 2,000 miles to be with us, to help his only daughter through the worst time in her life.
The night he got to our house, this scary looking dog walked in with him, went to our son who was drugged on pain killers, sleeping on the couch. She sniffed him from his face to his toes and back up & then laid down next to the couch. She would not leave him from that point on - except to go to the bathroom & eat.
I believe, to this day, that she knew how ill he was & thought she was his Momma.
Over the years, he and I were here favorites. She loved Big Daddy & darling bitchy bitch - but it was obvious to everyone that the boy & I were everything to her. The adoration of us could be seen in her eyes and silly, loving smile as she looked at us.
The day we put her down because she was old, because she had cancer - my son & I took her in to the vet. I held her head to my chest while Colton slowly petted her back. And then in just one moment, she was gone.
I wrote about her, the night before we had her put down, and then a few days later. I'd like to share that now.
This was the blog post I did (elsewhere) the night before:
To preface this blog post, I will say that.. I'm going to sound like a crazy person. I know this, aware of it & I don't care. But for the animal lovers out there, I will sound completely sane.
I should be asleep right now. I have to wake up early in the morning, but I cannot sleep. Not yet.
In seven hours, I will be standing in the vet's office, with my son and the dog we both love so much. We will both hug her close, kiss her face, tell her how very loved she is while she is being put down.
She is a dog. A pet. Not human. But she is family.
She is unconditional love and dedication.
She is this huge puff ball of fur that keeps my toes warm when she curls at my feet. She is the licorice eater.
She is my protector at night when I'm afraid of the dark. She is the lick on the tip of my nose that says without words - I love you too.
She is my shadow, wherever I go. No matter how many times I move my fat ass, she never fails to wake up & follow.
She is the silly smile face & the wiggly one in the grass, scratching her back.
She is the one that sat with me for hours, days and months, watching over my son. She's the paw in my hand when I say.. Friends?
She cannot hug me but when I hug her, I feel better, no matter what's wrong.
She is my Katie, my grizzly bear, my baby. And I am heartbroken beyond words to say goodbye to her.
I'm 38 years old & I've never lost someone I love.
Until my dog.
------------------------------------------
Three days later, I tried to do a blog post about how I felt afterwards. I couldn't even type, I was sobbing so hard.
So while I have cried during this post, it's not as bad as then. Maybe I finally am getting to that place where I can remember her without it hurting my heart so very much.
Thank y'all for taking the time to read this while I shared a few moments with her.
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14 comments:
I can understand how you feel. My family had to put our beloved cat to sleep last June. She'll always be missed, no matter how much time goes by. I wrote about her here:
http://jjinla.blogspot.com/2009/01/missing-mom.html
Honey, that was beautiful and sad. I have loved and lost a few pets and people; it's very hard. For me, one of the best feelings is when they come in dreams. So I feel like they have never gone forever. So I wish for you that you can have that dream state too. xo
Beautiful and touching post. I think it's not so strange to have pets cremated. Here in Belgium, you even have special places like a cemetary but only for pets. I can understand perfectly why people would do this. A dog is your faithful compagnion and looks at you in the same way every day, even when you feel at your worst.
The picture of your dog is so sweet...
And what Diane just said a lady once said to me too : if loved onces that have passed away appear to you in a dream, it means it's a sign of them to tell you they are doin' allright ...
Don't know if this is true but is a nice thought...
warmly,
D. XX (big hug)
*hugging you all over again*
I know how you feel darlin. I still miss my JillyBean.. my chihuahua that I lost three years ago. Even though I have two others that are here on the bed every day with me.. I still miss her.. and the bond we had. She was my buddy... and so much more.
Love you PM.
Awww...I've always had pets. I think they know more about me than my own family does.
Our dog now, he is an extension of my son. He knows his schedule and gets antsy if he's late getting home. He sleeps with him. He moves from room to room with him. He's a fabulous dog and I hope he lives forever.
That's sweet (and maybe I'm a sentimental sap, but I teared up). I don't think it's for anybody else to say *how* you should feel with a loss - no matter if it's a pet or human. The reality is you felt a certain way - you own that. I'd never trust somebody that didn't feel deeply about their pets.
I hear ya sista!! I have lost people in my life and can't even imagine when my sweet face Rosie is not up my ass any longer.
Everytime she greets me with that tail wagging, I say to her,,,,I love you too Rose.
Sista #2 will tell you how human like she is and she is part of our family.
#1
i totally get it.
:-)
That's why I can't have anymore pets.
I get way too attached and am inconsolable when something happens to them!!!
That was lovely ... and it made me cry right along with you.
I don't think people understand what an amazing comfort animals can be, or how they each have their own amazing little personality, just like people.
I had to have my cat, Rosie, put down last May. I'd had her since I was 10 and I loved her. She just got old and finally lost control of her bladder and it broke my heart to let her go. It's so quick, she was gone before I knew it, I wasn't prepared for that.
I miss her still, every day.
And now I'm crying again lol :) Thank you for sharing *hugs*
Our pets are family, and your post was awesome. When we lost Pete, it 'bout ruined me and most of the family, and I blogged it.
I'm real sorry for your loss, it'll get smoother with time but it'll still hurt your heart a bit.
:(
Beautiful post, Pmama.
(sniff) That post pretty much says it all.
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