Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Kendall


Dear Kendall,

I have put off writing this letter until the very night of your birthday. Somehow, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I wrote you a letter when you were inside of me, just a month before I had you - so I knew I had to write this one, just as you're on the verge of becoming a woman.

You've been 18 for an hour now. We just finished watching the movie - Because I Said So - which I thought was very appropriate because it is about a Mother letting go of her daughter. Just as I now have to learn to let you go, to grow up and become a woman.

As excited as you are about today, I am so incredibly sad and worried. I wish I could feel your excitement, Kendall.. but as hard as I've tried, I can't. I can smile, watching your joy over this day finally coming. But in my heart, I feel a loss. I want every day of the last 18 years back. I want to hold you in my arms like I did when you were just born, and whisper all over again how you would grow up to be so very beautiful, smart, funny and wonderful. All those years ago, I saw the dream that would come true.. you have become all of those things.

I want your first birthday back, watching you in the high chair with the little party hat on, making a mess of your first birthday cake as you learned how to feed yourself. And the second birthday, when you were toddling around, curious about everything. I want the first day you went to school back, when I put you on the school bus and walked into the house crying. That was the first time I had to.. let go.

I want to cuddle you up again, wipe your tears, put Barbie band-aids on your scraped knees, brush your hair up into pretty bows that matched the million clothes you had. I want that sweet little face with the kitten green eyes, puffy lips and cute button nose to tilt to mine for a kiss goodnight, always. You are the only girl I know that can giggle and have it sound real and so very cute. It makes me smile whenever I hear it.

It's so crazy, but now that I am finally writing this.. I have tons of things to say to you. Memories, words of advice for your future, it's all spinning through my mind.

And maybe this letter won't make sense as I type furiously to put my thoughts and feelings into words but I think, somehow, you will understand. As I started writing this letter, I asked God to give me every perfect word to make you feel my love and I hope.. you do.

I want to hold you to me always, Missy. So that I can protect you from the hurts that life will give you. I just want so much to keep you safe. I'm scared, terrified even, because I know life is hard, there is a lot of bad out there and you have the most tender heart, the most loving nature. Your feelings get hurt easily.

You are so much like me, Kendall. Each day that goes by, as you become a woman, I see it more and more. You are sassy, fiesty and can be a little bit of the bitchy bitch.. but you cry easily, you hurt deeply, you want to believe the best in people. You are both fierce and strong.. and loving and soft. Just like me.

You are going to be an amazing wife and a wonderful Momma someday. And if I taught you anything, or gave you anything to take into the future - I hope it is how to love your children, as much as I love you. I didn't have that growing up and it was so important to me, to be that for you and Colton. I don't know that I have been the best Mom, or if I ever will be.. but I know that I have spent every second loving both of you with all of my heart.

I want you to know what happiness you bring to my life, Kendall. How you make me laugh, how you make me want to just stare at the most beautiful face in the world. How much I enjoy driving down the road and listening to music with you. Talking with you, watching movies together. I enjoy listening to your thoughts, your hopes and dreams for the future. I am so proud of the person you are. You're bright, mature, responsible and you make good decisions.

You are nice to people, you don't try to hurt anyone and you forgive those that hurt you - and forgiving people is one of the hardest, but most important things you can do in your life. Just remember in the future, these few things:

It's okay to make mistakes, they teach you. The important thing is to always get back up when you fall down. Take the time to enjoy life. Find the beauty and happiness in the small things - don't wait for the big ones. Love who you are, as a person. Know you are worth love and respect and never allow people to treat you badly. You set the measure of your own worth. If you think something feels wrong, deep down inside, it is wrong and say no. You have to do what is right for you.

Never be afraid to say - I love you. Hug tight, kiss as often as you can and hold hands with your husband 'til the day you die. Don't be ashamed to cry. Take long drives all by yourself when you need time to think and feel. Listen to music loud and shake your butt, even when people are looking. Be honest, be loyal, be strong, be kind, be loving. Pray to God often - he will help.

And remember all of our memories, hold them as close as I do. And remember that I am always here for you. Even after I'm gone, I'll be in your heart, listening.

I wish.. I could express in this letter, how hard this day is. How I want to rewind the years, how they just went too fast, my beautiful girl. Where did they all go? How you have made every day, for 18 years, the best days of my life. How this day, that marks you becoming an adult, makes me suddenly feel old, and not needed anymore by you. I know it's dumb.. because I know that you will always love me, need me.. but not the way you once did, when I made the decisions, to keep you safe, to guide you to this day.

I want to hug you, hold you close.. forever. But now it's time to trust that I did it right, that your Dad and I.. raised you right. And that you're going to be okay. It's time to put all of my trust in you. I have often said to people - that everyone should have a child just like you. Because you are quite simply.. wonderful.

I love you, I respect you, I'm proud of you and I like you as a person. So I'm going to trust in you, and always be your Mom, but now I am going to become one of your best friends too. Because.. you are already one of my best friends, Kendall.

Love,

Mom

5 comments:

Vodka Mom said...

god dammit that made me cry. CRY!!!


xoxox

Phat Mama said...

It made me cry too and still does, each time I read it! lol

Thanks for taking the time to read it, I know it's longgg!

xoxo

sAm said...

Where are the kleenex....damn, girl - I hope she knows now how you feel!

Phat Mama said...

Awww thanks for reading it, Sam! Yeah, I think she knows now. :)

I jumped over to your blog, had a read and clicked on follow. I like it!

UBERMOUTH said...

That was beautiful. I hope your daughter read it. You can never show your kids too much love.