Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Bargains for Divorce

I've noticed, while on my way to work, that the highway signs of the south seem to be a beacon of hope for the newly divorced woman.

As you'll note in the first one, you can pawn off the engagement ring/wedding band set your wife-beater wearing hubby bought for you after you sacrificed your daisy duke ass to provide him with six kids... and buy yourself some tanning sessions.

Fake bake yourself into sex goddess deliciousness and a hot date (revenge) with his best friend, Bubba Red.

Not even two miles up the road is this one stop shop mecca! A girl can strut her little rhinestone shoes into the winery that Napa Valley is green with envy over and pick up a $3 bottle to take next door to the beauty palace.

Nothing can make a womans day like telling every gal in the place that your Ex has small 'pork & beans' while Verna teases your hair into the Dolly Parton special of the week and you get shit-faced on the (moonshine) wine.

Located just across the road from the Tan & Pawn, this is for those gals that only had 10k gold and cubic zirconia to pawn and couldn't afford the tanning sessions -and- a .38 Special.

Carolina Flea Market gives the po redneck girl a cheap alternative, bless their hearts!

If Bubba Red gets too fresh, (like he offers to make you squeel like a pig), zap his ass.

The Sham-Wow! part of this post is for Dana's Brain! I thought of you the moment I saw that cheap-ass price for something as cool as the Sham!


Peggy said...

I must be the only one in the world that doesn't know what Sham Wow actually is...I've heard it but wtf? Is it a cleaning product? *sigh* going to google...

Dana's Brain said...

HAHAHAHA!! Awesome, Phat Mama! Thanks for thinking of me!

Peggy said...

Okay got it. LOL!

Nyxmyst said...

Yeah.. and you wonder why I live in Vegas and avoid the south like the plague it is. :P

Shawn said...

Oh for Pete's sake, there is not a single bait shop in there? Where is a self-respecting southern woman supposed to sell her rings, get her hair done, pick up her stun gun and get her BAIT to catch the catfish to fry up for dinner?

Sheesh, you are totally without all the amenities aren't ya?

(Yep, Shawn is my real name, glad you like it. Most people say 'eww, that's a boy's name.)

otherworldlyone said...

Don't you just love the south? Where else could you find all of that culture within a few miles of each other? Lovely post.

zelzee said...

Oh my God.............I want to move right down there.Where were all these educational facilities when I needed them??? (Over & over)

Up north we only have bars inhabited by 12 year olds. But then again, at my age, everyone looks 12.

Phat Mama said...

Pst, Peggy.. I didn't know what it was either. I had to watch the infomercial online! That said, I want one!

Nyx, Vegas is full of heathens!

Shawn, coming up soon I have a special picture for you!

wordlyone, just wait until I start snapping photos of all the men that still wear cut-off ACDC tshirts!

rofl, zelzee! Come on down here!! And yeah, I feel ya on everyone looking 12. :/

FatDaddy said...

I want to beat the living fuck out of a hooker and get away with it too.

Girl Interrupted said...

Hey :) just thought I'd drop by and return the compliment

Cool blog!

To tan & pawn is now on my "To Do" list.

Right after "Marry and divorce a redneck"

Phat Mama said...

Oy, FatDaddy!! lolol, thanks for giving me the link to explain that comment!

Heya, Girl Interrupted - I found you through Zibbs, that hunka of blog! You rock, love the newest post!

As for your To Do list - it only takes like a week to marry & divorce a redneck so prepare to check that one off quick!